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A customer was really hassling an El Al agent at the ticket counter in Tel Aviv – yelling and using foul language. But the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.
When the man finally left, the next person in line, a tourist from Canada, said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."
The El Al agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."
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After the Shabbos service was over, Golda Grunberg meets Rabbi Cohen at the shul door with her young son Shmuel.
"Rabbi," says Golda, "I'm sorry my little Shmuel was so noisy during your sermon."
"That's OK, Golda," says Rabbi Cohen. "These things are not unknown to us rabbis. But do tell me how you managed to get him to keep quiet at the end."
"It was quite easy, rabbi," replies Golda. "Fifteen minutes into your sermon, I leaned over to Shmuel and whispered in his ear, 'Shmuel, listen to me carefully. If you don't stop making so much noise, Rabbi Cohen is going to lose his place in his sermon, and if he loses his place, he will have to start his sermon all over again!' And rabbi, he instantly stopped making a noise."
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Yossi Rosen, a full time yeshiva student, noticed that his eyes were starting to give him some trouble – no doubt staring at the small Talmud print all day wasn’t helping. So Yossi decided to visit an ophthalmologist.
The doctor showed Yossi the eye chart, displaying the letters ICNRDTHT.
"Can you read that?" the doctor asked.
"Sure," Yossi replied. "It says ‘I can read that’”.
“Wait, what?” the Doctor said, confused for a moment and then smiled, “Ah…I think someone has been spending too much time staring at Talmud pages with no vowels!”
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Bill Gates is recruiting for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates are assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian. Mr. Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know JAVA program language should leave. 2000 people leave and Maurice says to himself, “I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay?”
Bill Gates says all those who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people should leave. 2000 people leave. Maurice says to himself, “I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay?”
Bill Gates says all those who do not have a post-graduate degree in Business and Management Studies should leave. 500 people leave. Maurice says to himself, “I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay?”
Mr. Gates says all those who don’t speak Serbo-Croatian should leave. 498 people leave. Maurice says to himself, “I don’t speak Serbo-Croatian but what have I got to lose if I stay?”
He finds himself alone with only one other candidate. Bill Gates joins them and says, “Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation in that language.”
Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says: “Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot.”
The other candidate answers: “Shebechol halelot anu ochlin chametz umatza.”
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Self Help
Abe goes into his local WHSmith bookshop and asks the saleswoman, "Excuse me, but where is the self-help section?"
She replies, "If I told you, sir, it would defeat the purpose."
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David and Beth Silverstein were on their shul’s welcoming committee and they invited Michael and Jennifer Epstein, a new couple that moved into town, over for Sunday brunch. After brunch, the women decided to go shopping, so David decided to invite Michael to go sailing on his sailboat.
While they were out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and they were down wind trying to work their way back through a narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and they had to climb overboard and shove with all of their might to get it back into deeper water.
As Michael stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at David and said, "Sure beats shopping."
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Sarah Schmerling was returning to New York from Israel after visiting her kids and grandkids who live in Jerusalem. When she got to the El Al counter, she presented her ticket to New York.
As she gave the agent her luggage, she said, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, but we can't do that."
"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
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Sam Levy had just been hired as a young attorney at a law firm downtown Manhattan and he was waiting for the opportunity to prove himself. Even though he didn’t have much work yet he made sure not to leave before 10pm.
One night, as he was walking the halls he saw John Graham, the firm’s senior partner standing by a classified document shredder in the hallway, with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Do you know how to work this thing?"
Mr. Graham asked Sam. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."
"Yes, of course, sir," said Sam, who turned on the machine, while he took the paper from the senior partner, and fed it in.
"Thank you, son," said Mr. Graham, "I just need one copy....."
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Little six year old Sarah Federman, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied. "You'd feel better if you had something in it." She gave Sarah a snack and sure enough, Sarah felt better right away.
That afternoon Rabbi Solomon, the family’s Rabbi, dropped by. While he was chatting with Mrs. Federman, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.
Sarah perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it. My Mommy taught me that.
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An Israeli policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "G’veret (lady), it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answers, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replies, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
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A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car.
He asked suspiciously "What are those for?"
The man replied "I'm a circus juggler.” "I use those in my circus act, and I am late for my show…"
The officer demanded. "Well, show me,"
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer with his skills.
Another car passed by. The driver slowed down, watching the entire scene in amazement, then says,
"My G‑d. I really got-to give up drinking....! Look at the test they're giving now, for drunk driving."
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A flight attendant on a busy New York to Tel Aviv flight nervously announced about thirty minutes after takeoff, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else will be eligible for free air mile points."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have thirty-nine dinners available!"
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Everyone loved Rabbi Rosenberg. He was such a happy man, always willing to help or lend a hand.
One day Rabbi Rosenberg was walking down the street singing his favorite niggun (tune) when he saw a little boy trying to reach the doorbell of a nearby house.
“Shalom Aleichem, young man,” said Rabbi Rosenberg. “Let me help you”, and with that Rabbi Rosenberg reached out and pressed the bell. “Anything else I can do for you,” asked Rabbi Rosenberg with a smile.
“Yes” said the boy. “Run! We’ve only got a few seconds before they come!”
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The Tallit Bag
An airplane is about to crash. On board are three passengers: the Pope, the President of the United States, and a Rabbi.
There are only two parachutes.
The Pope stands up first and says,
“I represent over a billion Catholics around the world. The Church needs me.”
He takes a parachute and jumps.
Next, the President stands up and says,
“I’m the smartest president America has ever had. The country can’t afford to lose me.”
He grabs a pack and jumps out.
A moment later, the pilot sticks his head out of the cockpit and says,
“I’m very sorry, Rabbi. There were only two parachutes.”
The Rabbi smiles calmly and says,
“Don’t worry. Everything’s fine.”
The pilot looks confused.
The Rabbi adds,
“America’s smartest president took my tallis bag.”
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Miriam Rosen was the mother of five kids under the age of 8. Her Aunt Sarah called her one morning, and their conversation was constantly being interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" Miriam finally asked, putting down the phone.
Within ten seconds there was absolute silence on the line. Then, "Okay, I'm back."
"But it's so quiet!" Aunt Sarah exclaimed. "You must have amazing discipline over your children."
"Not really," Miriam confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."
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Sam Silverman walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies very interested in me – they're constantly calling, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
”By the way,” asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies keep calling you?”
"If you must know," says Sam, "It's the electric company, water company, and phone company."
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Dina Stern had been ill, so her sister Shira called to see how she was doing. Dina’s ten-year-old son Moishie answered the phone.
"Hello," Moishie whispered.
"Hi, honey. It’s Aunt Shira. How's your mother doing?"
"She's sleeping," Moishie answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" Shira asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," Moishie said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?"
Again in a soft whisper, Moishie answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
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Shira Fried was in charge of the kids Shabbat program at Congregation Beth Israel. She was teaching the kids about decorum in shul and why it was so important.
So she took them up to the main sanctuary at the very back to give her lesson up close.
“Why is it necessary to be quiet in shul, especially now during Rabbi Eisen’s sermon?" Shira asked.
Little Rivka Deutch whispered, "Because people are sleeping."
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Same Thing
A man is walking down a street in New York when he notices a sign:
“Moshe Goldberg’s Chinese Laundry.”
Curious, he walks inside and sees a slight, elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
“Excuse me,” he asks, “are you Moshe Goldberg?”
“Yes,” the man replies.
The customer is baffled.
“How in the world did you get the name Moshe Goldberg?”
The man smiles and says:
“When I immigrated to America, I came through Ellis Island. I was standing in line at the immigration desk. The officer asked the man in front of me his name. He said, ‘Moshe Goldberg.’
“Then the officer asked me my name.
“So I said, ‘Sam Ting.’”
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When Chaim Yankel walked into the office, he knew something was up. There was a message on his desk that the boss wanted to see him as soon as he arrived.
The boss didn't look very happy when Chaim Yankel reported to his office. He said nothing — just pointed at the newspaper on his desk. It was opened to the sports page, and there was a picture of a smiling Chaim Yankel, holding up the trophy for winning the local golf tournament the day before.
"How could this be Chaim Yankel?” asked the boss. “You called in sick yesterday!"
“I know,” Chaim Yankel responded. "I was really surprised to win the tournament too, sir. Imagine what my score could have been if I hadn't been sick!"
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Miriam Epstein bought a new piano and took up playing again after loving the instrument in her youth.
One day, the doorbell rang and Mrs. Epstein discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
Mrs. Epstein exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but the Teitlebaums, your neighbors did."
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After school one day, Moishie Rothman, a rambunctious first-grade boy was sitting at the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out, "Mom, my teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
Moishie’s mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when you told her that you don’t have any brothers or sisters yet?"
She just said, "Baruch Hashem!"
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Shira and Shmuel Sharman started their Lamaze class, and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand – to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. Shmuel stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked Shmuel to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" Shmuel asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
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Leah meets her old friend Naomi and they start talking about their families. "So how's your son getting on?" Leah asks.
"Oy," replies Naomi, kvelling, "what naches my Sheldon gives me. He's now a qualified doctor and has just opened an office in the City. His patients all work for the top banks, brokers, insurance companies, you name it. Sheldon is a very good doctor, Leah, you should go see him for a check up."
"Listen, Naomi," replies Leah, "I'm in perfect health, so who needs a check up?"
"Don't worry Leah," says Naomi. "My Sheldon is such a good doctor — he'll find something.
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Pray for My Hearing
The stranger approached the pastor after service and said, “I’d like you to pray for my hearing.”
The pastor placed his hands on the man’s ears and said a passionate, earnest prayer.
“How’s your hearing now?” the pastor asked.
Looking surprised, the man said, “Well, it’s not until tomorrow.” (Court Hearing)
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Humor
Yossi was the helper at shul and needed some supplies from a cupboard near the rabbi’s office that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. Yossi didn't know the combination, so Rabbi Solomon offered to give it a try.
Rabbi Solomon placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment, saying a few words quietly in prayer. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock.
Seeing how impressed Yossi was with this demonstration of faith, the Rabbi smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."
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In the years before the Balfour Declaration, a member of the House of Lords asked Chaim Weizmann, "Why do you Jews insist on Palestine when there are so many undeveloped countries you could settle in more conveniently?"
Weizmann replied, "That is like me asking you why you drove 20 miles to visit your mother last Sunday when there are so many old ladies living on your street."
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One Yom Kippur, the rabbi asked: “Who here has no enemies? Who forgives, forgets, and carries no resentment in their heart?”
Silence. Not a single hand.
Until, finally, a 99-year-old woman in the back of the women’s section shouted: “I have no enemies.”
The rabbi beamed: “How did you do it?”
She replied: “Simple. I outlived them all.”
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They wanted it to be a very special occasion, one which would never be forgotten. A safari Bar Mitzvah was being done too often, a neighbor's son had had his ceremony at the Wailing Wall, and the South Pole was just too cold.
So the father of the boy arranged to rent the shuttle from NASA and take the Rabbi, family, and all their friends into space. The scientists had returned from MIR and it was not being used at present. The excursion created a lot of worldwide attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went.
The first person off the shuttle was the grandmother, and the reporters asked her, "How was the service?"
Grandma answered, "OK".
"How was the boy's speech?"
"OK."
"How was the food?"
"OK."
"Everything was just OK? You don't seem to have liked it? What was wrong?"
"There was no atmosphere!"
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A woman delivered to the old Jewish tailor the most elegant fabric, from Italy, to weave her a most beautiful gown. He said it would take a month.
But after a month, he said the work was so delicate, required so much skill and precision, he needed another month.
Then it became another month, and another one. It took six months for the dress to be ready.
The frustrated woman says to the tailor. I don’t understand you. This was, at the end of the day, only a gown. Even the universe took G‑d only six days to create, and you need six months for a stupid dress?!
And the tailor looks at her and says: “How can you compare?!...
“Look at His product and look at mine; Mine is perfect; His is a mess. That’s what happens when you rush something in six days…”
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The Mechanic
A car mechanic is called in after every other mechanic failed. He listens to the engine for a few minutes, then hauls off and gives it a big swift kick in a certain strategic spot.
Lo and behold, the engine starts humming like a kitten. The mechanic turns around, gives the car owner his bill for $900.
The owner of the vehicle is flabbergasted and demands an itemized breakdown AND EXPLANATION.
The bill says...
“$10 for my time, and $890 for knowing where to kick.”
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Three men were walking in the desert.
The first one sighed and said, “I’m so thirsty, I could use a glass of wine.” The second said, “I’m so thirsty, I just want a glass of water.”
The Jewish fellow shook his head and said, “I’m so thirsty, I must have diabetes."
