Old Jokes

Let My Wife See

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking derelict who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the man said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

“Will you use the money to buy cigarettes”?

“No way. Two dollars can’t get me a pack of cigarettes. I had to quit smoking years ago when the price of tobacco went up so drastically.”

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad!"

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want my wife to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, smoking and golf!"

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Leah meets her old friend Naomi and they start talking about their families. "So how's your son getting on?" Leah asks.

"Oy," replies Naomi, kvelling, "what naches my Sheldon gives me. He's now a qualified doctor and has just opened an office in the City. His patients all work for the top banks, brokers, insurance companies, you name it. Sheldon is a very good doctor, Leah, you should go see him for a check up."

"Listen, Naomi," replies Leah, "I'm in perfect health, so who needs a check up?"

"Don't worry Leah," says Naomi. "My Sheldon is such a good doctor — he'll find something."

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Tuesdays are when Sarah and Rachel get together for coffee. Oftentimes the topic of conversation revolves around their children.

“Have you heard from your David in college?” Rachel asks.

“Oy, my son David is so brilliant” Sarah says proudly, “that every time he writes to us we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," Rachel replies. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

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David Epstein’s mother Selma moved into a new apartment and she invited him over. "I’d love to see Talia and the grandkids."

"Great. How do I get to your new place?" David asked.

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

Mrs. Epstein answered, "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

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A man comes home from work, huffing and puffing, out of breath.

His wife asks, “Why are you so out of breath?”

He says, “I missed the bus, so I ran all the way home behind it—and I saved $1.50!”

She looks at him and says, “You idiot! If you’d run behind a taxi, you could’ve saved $10!”

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Moishe the truck driver was traveling down the freeway. A sign came up that read, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knew it, the bridge was directly ahead of him and then he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car arrived. The cop got out of his car and walked around to Moishe the truck driver, put his hands on his hips, and said, "Got stuck, huh?"

Moishe replied, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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Little Moishie Rosenberg was playing in the backyard while his sister Rivky looked on. Moishe was wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he told Rivky.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled.

Rivky laughed. “Some greatest hitter you are,” she said.

Undaunted, Moishie picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. Rivky laughed again.

Moishie then paused for a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again Moishie tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

“What happened?” asked Rivky sarcastically. “I thought you were the greatest in the world?”

"I am!" Moishie exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

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Czechoslovakia

About a year later, Michael the angel came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse whom you never liked; and then I won the 250 million dollar lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion, a private jet, a yacht, and a summer home in the Riviera. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!

“Now, how do I get in to this beautiful paradise? I am starving…” “You have to spell a word,” the woman told him. “Which word?” her husband asked. “Czechoslovakia,” she said.

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Moishe Markewitz worked in his company’s accounting department and befriended John Stevens from sales. John usually took clients to the local university football game but this time decided to take Moishe, who was not really much of a football fan but appreciated the gesture.

During the game, the home team was battered all over the field by the more dominant opponents. At one point, the referee blew his whistle; the call was "unnecessary roughness."

"You mean to tell me," said Moishe, "That all that roughness up until now has been NECESSARY?"

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Moses Murmelstein went on a date with Rebecca Goldman–without a doubt the most beautiful girl that poor Moishe had ever dated. At the end of their time together Moishe was so overcome with Rebecca that he said, “Rebecca will you marry me?"

“Moishe,” Rebecca replied with a smile, “I have good news and bad news for you.”

Moishe paid attention closely.

“The bad news is that I will not marry you,” said Rebecca. “The good news is that you have impeccable taste!"

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A new rabbi finished giving his sermon in his new synagogue.

The president approaches him and says: thanks for giving us two speeches today.

“It was one,” the rabbi says.

“No, it was two,” the president says.

Why two?

“Ah, it was your first speech, and it was also your last speech!”

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A big-time real estate developer from Texas was visiting Israel. His Israeli host was proudly showing him around the country.

As they drove past a brand-new 20-story apartment complex, the Israeli said, “That building? Took our people less than two years to finish!”

The Texan smirked. “Two years? In Texas, a building like that goes up in six months, tops.”

They continued on, and soon passed a brand-new power plant.

“Now this,” said the Israeli, “we built it, in just three months!”

The Texan raised an eyebrow. “Three months? In Texas, that’d be done in two weeks — with time to spare.”

As the sun began to set, they passed a stunning, high-rise office tower, gleaming with lights.

The Texan pointed and asked, “Hey, what’s that building over there?”

The Israeli looked over, paused, and said: “I have no idea… it wasn’t there this morning!”

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Yankel was a Jewish tailor from the old country. One day, Chaim comes into his shop with some material and asks Yankel to make for him a new pair of trousers.

“How long will it take Yankel,” asks Chaim. “Two weeks,” said the tailor. “Two weeks?!” asks Chaim. “Why so long, Yankel?! I mean G‑d made the whole world in only 6 days. Why should it take you two weeks to make a pair of pants?!”

The old tailor laughed. “Yes, Chaim, G‑d made the world in 6 days. But look what a mess the world is in! My trousers, however, will be absolutely perfect!”

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A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car.

He asked suspiciously "What are those for?"

The man replied "I'm a circus juggler.” "I use those in my circus act, and I am late for my show…"

The officer demanded. "Well, show me,"

So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer with his skills.

Another car passed by. The driver slowed down, watching the entire scene in amazement, then says,

"My G‑d. I really got-to give up drinking....! Look at the test they're giving now, for drunk driving."

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Experiencing the Other

Sadie goes to see her rabbi. She complains about her very bad headaches, and whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours. All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed: "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"

To which the rabbi replies: "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."

A rabbi, priest, and an imam are at an interfaith conference, when the priest pulls the other two aside for a word in private. “Listen,” he says. “We priests are always there for our followers’ confessions, but we have nobody with whom we can bare our own hearts and confess our deepest secrets and failings. Could we maybe do a little confessional session so I can get something off my chest?”

His companions agreed.

“I’m ashamed to say I have a terrible weakness for money,” the priest continued. “Every couple of weeks when nobody’s looking, I divert some church funds to my personal account; I’ve misappropriated hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years.”

The imam volunteered to go next. “I’m ashamed to say that I find it impossible to abstain from alcohol as required by my faith. When I come home from a difficult day, I settle down with a large cup of strong whisky, and I finish it to the last drop.”

Finally, the rabbi spoke. “I also have a terrible weakness,” he explained. “I can’t keep a secret for the life of me!”

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Let My Wife See

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking derelict who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the man said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

“Will you use the money to buy cigarettes”?

“No way. Two dollars can’t get me a pack of cigarettes. I had to quit smoking years ago when the price of tobacco went up so drastically.”

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad!"

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want my wife to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, smoking and golf!"

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Education Fees

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

“Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend.”

“What’s the problem?”

“When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education…”

Bill Gates is recruiting for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates are assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian. Mr. Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know JAVA program language should leave. 2000 people leave and Maurice says to himself, “I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay?”

Bill Gates says all those who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people should leave. 2000 people leave. Maurice says to himself, “I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay?”

Bill Gates says all those who do not have a post-graduate degree in Business and Management Studies should leave. 500 people leave. Maurice says to himself, “I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay?”

Mr. Gates says all those who don’t speak Serbo-Croatian should leave. 498 people leave. Maurice says to himself, “I don’t speak Serbo-Croatian but what have I got to lose if I stay?”

He finds himself alone with only one other candidate. Bill Gates joins them and says, “Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation in that language.”

Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says: “Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot.”

The other candidate answers: “Shebechol halelot anu ochlin chametz umatza.”

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Now

A man comes to the doctor lamenting that he is forgetting things. “Yesterday I even forgot where I live, doctor, I got lost. And the day before, I came home from the synagogue and I forgot that I even went there. And a day before, I want to play golf and I forgot about that too…

“Oy doctor, what should I do?” the man cried.

“Pay me now,” the doctor said.

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Overqualified for Politics

Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”
Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”
Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.

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Last Breath

You know the story: Old Jacob is lying on his bed, very ill, waiting for his final breath.

All of the sudden, he whispers: "Judith, my loved wife ... are you there?"

"Yes my beloved husband... I am here by your side," Judith says.

Old Jacob whispers again: "Isaac, my son... are you there?"

"Yes, father... I am here with you," is the answer.

Old Jacob breathes heavily and goes on: "Sarah, my beautiful daughter-in-law... are you there?"

"Sure I am here by your side", says Sarah.

Old Jacob breathes one more time, waits a few seconds and whispers: "What about little Billy? Are you there, my grandson?

"Yeah grandpa, I am here too by your side," says little Billy.

Old Jacob breathes one more time, waits a little while and then open his eyes, looks around and says "Family, if you are all here, who is taking care of the shop?!"

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Einstein the Kvetching Canine

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can't wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor. A few weeks later, when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "Fetch!" Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously.

Then, all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey... And you think it's easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it... it's too salty and it gives me gas. It's disgusting, I tell you!" The neighbor is absolutely amazed and stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

"I know, I know," says the dog owner. "He's not fully trained yet. He thought I said kvetch.

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Sid Luckman was one of the best Football Quarter Back players ever. Born in Brooklyn in 1916, he became a 6-time All-Pro Football QB. He led the Chicago Bears to 4 NFL titles and is shrined in the Football Hall of Fame.

Sidney was a Jewish child of immigrant parents who knew nothing about football. And so, when he was about to play in his first professional game, he thought that it would be only appropriate to invite his parents to watch him play football and get a little bit of “Yiddishe nachas.” After all they have been through, let his parents “kvel” watching how well their son integrated into the new country to become such a great star.

He didn’t want them to be placed up in the stands somewhere, where they would be completely lost. So he had them sit on the bench with the players. In the middle of the game, Sidney Luckman drops back, and a line backer comes through the line, and starts to chase him.

Sid is fast. He scrambles with that ball; he’s running down the sideline with all his energy and might, and a couple of huge 6-foot tall, muscular, powerful fellows are running after him...

He runs right in front of his parents. It looks like he is running for his life. At which point, his father yells out, in great emotion and fear:

“Sid, give them the ball already; I’ll buy you another one... And I will pay for it.

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A Lifetime of Loyalty…

An old man is laying on his deathbed. His wife of 60 years is sitting beside him, holding his hand.

With a weak voice, he whispers, "Sarah, remember when our house burned down?"

She nods, "Of course, dear."

"And when I lost my job, you stayed by my side?"

She squeezes his hand, "Always."

"And when I had that awful car accident, you were there?"

Tears well up in her eyes, "Yes, my love."

He takes a deep breath and says, "You know what, Sarah? You're bad luck."

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

Throughout her pregnancy, Rivka insisted that she wanted no medication during labor. When the big day came, though, she wondered if she had made the right decision.

Knowing Rivka’s stance on drugs, the midwife did everything else to ease Rivka’s pain.

"You look uncomfortable," she said at one point. "Would you like to change positions?"

"Yes," Rivka replied. "I want to be the midwife!"

Jonathan, who was new to all matters Jewish, was invited to spend Shabbat at his rabbi’s home. On the night of Shabbat, they made kiddush on a cup of wine. During the meal, they raised another glass of wine and made a L’chaim. At the end of the meal, they poured yet another glass of wine, this one for bentching… and so it repeated itself until it was time for Havdalah—again on a cup of wine!

After Shabbat, the Rabbi asked his guest, “So, how did you enjoy your Shabbat?”
“Look,” the man replied. “I still don’t understand why we don’t use electricity on Shabbos, but at least I now understand why you don’t drive!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The searchers were enthralled and hired this rabbi immediately. Within a short time however, it becomes obvious to them that he is terrible as a rabbi. They write indignantly to their colleagues and ask how they can be so flagrantly untruthful.

The colleagues reply that “we told the truth. Like Moses, he cannot speak; like Socrates, he knows no Hebrew; and like Einstein, he is an atheist!"

Little Moishie Rubin was caught by his teacher Mrs. Goldenberg using a bad word. "Moishie," Mrs. Goldenberg said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My Abba said it," Moishie responded.

"Well, it doesn't matter," explained the teacher, "you don't even know what it means."

"I do, so!" Moishie corrected. "It means the car won't start."

"Jewish Mothers' Bragging Rights"

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench, bragging about how much their sons adore them.

Sadie starts:
“You know my son, Arnold? For my 75th birthday, he bought me a Chagall! It’s hanging right in my living room. What a good boy. He really loves his mother.”

Miriam chimes in:
“That’s nice, but listen to this—my son Bernie? For Mother’s Day, he gave me a Mercedes! Can you imagine? A brand-new one! What a sweetheart.”

Shirley leans in with a smirk:
“That’s nothing. You know my son, Stanley? He’s in therapy with the most expensive therapist on Harley Street. Five sessions a week. And you know what he talks about?
Me!”

PHILANTHROPY

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"
"A check," replied the guide.

A White Lie Cure

Mrs Goldberg went to the doctor’s office with chronic hiccups. She was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the hallway screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. He then marched down the hallway to the first doctor’s room.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he demanded. “Mrs Goldberg is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!”
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Moishe Goldberg had a hairdresser at the same intersection for years. It was called “Moishe’s Hair Salon.” But out of nowhere, a new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from Moishe. The new hairdresser was called “Your Best Hair Salon.”
The new salon put up a big bold sign that read: "WE GIVE TEN DOLLAR HAIRCUTS!"
Not to be outdone, Moishe put up his own sign: "WE FIX TEN DOLLAR HAIRCUTS!"

Let My Wife See

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking derelict who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the man said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

“Will you use the money to buy cigarettes”?

“No way. Two dollars can’t get me a pack of cigarettes. I had to quit smoking years ago when the price of tobacco went up so drastically.”

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad!"

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want my wife to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, smoking and golf!"

A doctor in the hospital delivers the grave news to his patient. “I’m sorry, but I must tell you that judging by the scans I’m holding in my hand, you only have a few more hours left to live. Is there anyone you’d like me to call?”

“Yes,” the man replied. Another doctor!”

A young manager-in-training is shadowing a veteran at the company. Demonstrating
how he picks applicants for job interviews; the veteran picks out thirty resumes from a
stack of three hundred and throws the rest into the trash.
“Wait,” the young man asks, “there could be some really qualified applicants in
that stack you just threw out.”
“Maybe,” the older manager replies. “But the first thing I need around here is
someone with incredible mazal.”

\Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "G‑d is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. G‑d is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "G‑d? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Priorities in Philanthropy

A rabbi noticed that the wealthiest man in the community had never donated to the synagogue. One day, the rabbi decided to call him.

"Good day," the rabbi began, "I've heard that you make millions of dollars a year, and we were wondering if you'd consider donating to the shul."

The man replied, "Rabbi, did you know that my mother is suffering from a chronic illness and can't afford her medical bills?"

The rabbi stammered, "No, I didn't..."

"And did you know that my sister's husband passed away, leaving her broke with four children and no job?" the man continued.

"I'm so sorry to hear that," the rabbi began, but the man interrupted.

"Or my brother, a disabled veteran confined to a wheelchair, facing long wait lists at the VA just to see a doctor?"

The rabbi was left speechless.

The man then said, "And I don't give any money to them, so why the hell would I give any money to you?"

Early one morning, as Patrick and Christopher are walking past a Shul on Main Street, Patrick says, "So how many people do you think are in this large synagogue, Christopher?"

"There are exactly nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine people in the synagogue," replies Christopher.

"Wow!" says Patrick. "How on earth did you know that?"

"Because yesterday morning," replies Christopher, "I heard one of them come out and say to a passer-by that they are one short of a milyan."

Its t's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor."Melvin, why can't you sleep?" she asks him. "You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1,000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money. I don't know what I'm going to do." Melvin replies.

Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam."

Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what do you want?"

Goldie says, "You know the $1,000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."

She then slams the window shut, turns to Melvin and says, now you go to sleep, and let Sam pace the floor."

Please tell me what you think?

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. “Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."

Big Decisions

You know the joke about how this Rabbi gave a man the best wedding advice: That his wife should be in charge of small decisions and he, the big ones. After 30 years he came to the rabbi complaining: In 30 years, there have been no big decisions! To which his wife responded: Of course there have been—and I allowed you to decide them all! Like what? Asked the husband. Like what? I will tell you: a big decision is what to do about Global Warming, conflict in Iraq, the situation in Iran… that you decide, my dear, and I do not mix in. Small decisions are—where we live, where we send our kids to school, which synagogue we attend, what type of house we buy!

Marriage

Harry is trying to impress the people who came to a Synagogue lecture on love and marriage; he tells them how he has always tried to treat his wife nicely, spent money on her, took her on trips, never looked at other women and best of all, he says, “I took her to Israel for our 25th anniversary.”

The rabbi who was leading the class says, “Harry, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.” Harry proudly replies, “I’m going back to Israel to pick her up!”

A D-Day Reminder

An old man is at passport control in Paris. He is going through his bag for his passport which he can't find. The irritated woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time'

'Impossible!!' she bellowed.

The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D-Day on 6th June 1944, I couldn't find a dam Frenchman to give it to'

Dave and Samantha Levy were on their first trip to Israel. They rented a car, had all of their guidebooks ready and had a full itinerary for their 10 day stay. One day, Dave and Samantha stopped for lunch at a falafel joint. Dave asked the guy working there.

"What's the quickest way to the Dead Sea?"

The falafel owner scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked.

"I'm driving,” replied Dave.

"That's the quickest way!"

Let Sam do the worrying!

It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor."Melvin, why can't you sleep?" she asks him. "You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1,000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money. I don't know what I'm going to do." Melvin replies.

Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam."

Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what do you want?"

Goldie says, "You know the $1,000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."

She then slams the window shut, turns to Melvin and says, now you go to sleep, and let Sam pace the floor."

Three-year-old Moishie Rubinstein had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mother told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir!"

Correcting him, Moishie’s mother said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, so you would say 'yes, ma'am,' to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Abba?"

"Yes, sir!" came the reply.

"Then what would you say to Mommy?"

"Yes, ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good job! Now, what would you say to Bubbie?

Little Moishie lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Cow

The old scholarly rabbi, a man of great wisdom and erudition, was dying. His son's gathered around his bed, trying to make his last journey comfortable.

They gave him some warm milk to drink but he refused. One of his son's took the glass back to the kitchen. He had come from Colorado, where marijuana is legal. He opened a vial of cannabis oil, and mixed a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at the rabbis bed he held the cup to his father's lips. The rabbi drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it he finished the whole glass. "Father" said the eldest son, "please share some wisdom with us before you go. Give us some perspective and advice.”

The rabbi raised himself up in bed. A sage look came over his face, And then he said, "DO NOT SELL THAT COW".

A Lecture from whom?

A Jewish man is speeding the highway at 1 a.m. A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?"
"To a lecture," the man responds.
"Who will give you a lecture at this hour," the policeman asks.
"My wife," was the reply

A Jewish father calls his son in New York and tells him, "I hate to tell you, but your mother and I can't stand each other anymore and we are divorcing. That's it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I am telling you now so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

The father hangs up and David immediately calls his sister and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this."

She calls Florida and gets her father on the phone. She pleads to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING 'til David and I get there! We will be there Friday night." The father says, "All right, all right, I'll wait."

When the father hangs up the phone he hollers to his wife, "okay, they're coming for Passover. Now, what are we going to tell them for Rosh Hashanah?"

Sadie was making some pancakes as a treat for her two young sons, Simon and Nicky. But the boys began to argue as to who should get the first pancake she made.
"Shame on you boys," said Sadie. "If the wise King Solomon were here today, he would say, 'let my brother have the first pancake'."
Nicky looked at Simon and said, "OK, Simon, you be King Solomon today

Chaim Yankel was having difficulty adjusting to his new office job – his boss was accusing him of being unproductive.

One day, Chaim Yankel’s boss entered his cubicle and he saw Chaim Yankel surfing the web.

“Chaim Yankel!” yelled his boss. “Why is it that whenever I come over here I always catch you goofing off?!”

“That’s easy,” replied Chaim Yankel. “It’s because you walk so quietly!”

JOKE: GIVE AND TAKE

David, a successful developer, is touring one of his construction projects when he trips and falls into a hole. “Quick, give me your hand,” one of the construction workers calls out. But David doesn’t move an inch.

Suddenly the town rabbi walks by the site. Sizing up the situation, he walks over the put and whispers something inside. A moment later, to everyone’s relief, the Rabbi successfully pulls David up and extracts him from the hole.

“You told him to give you his hand,” the rabbi explained. “But David is the biggest miser in town. He’d rather die than give. When I told him to take my hand, he gladly obliged.”

A husband and wife were at a large shopping mall most of the day when the wife realized that she’d lost track of her husband... After searching all over, she finally called his mobile and said, “Henry, I’ve looked everywhere!... Where are you?!”...

To which he replied, “Honey, do you remember that jewelry store where you saw the matching diamond earrings and became all emotional about them, but I couldn't afford them then, so I promised I’d get them for you someday?”...

The wife, feeling incredibly joyful admiration for her thoughtful husband, said, “Oh, I do remember that, dear.”

“Well, I’m in the sports bar right across from that shop!”

PAY WITH MILES

Moshe complains to his rabbi about the sorry state of his marriage. “My house has become a war zone,” he laments bitterly. “My wife and I shout at each other all day and I simply can’t take it anymore.”

“I have an idea for you,” the rabbi says. “Taking long walks can help a person calm down when they’re upset. Why don’t you walk three miles every day and see if it helps cool things down?”

A month later the rabbi calls Moshe to see how things are going. “Thank G‑d, things are great,” Moshe says happily. “I’m already ninety miles away from home!”

As the bus pulled away, Bubbie Shwartzbaum realized that she had left her purse under the seat. Frantic, she called the bus company and was relieved to hear later that the driver found her bag.

When she returned to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded her. One man handed Bubbie her purse, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of her purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As Bubbbie started to put her belongings back into the purse, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

A police officer in a small town in Israel stopped a motorist who was speeding down the main street. "But officer," Itzik began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

"I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding tonight. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered Itzik from his cell. "I'm the groom."

Special Rabbi

The members of the search committee for a small Eastern European shul wrote to their colleagues in another shtetl for help. The colleagues replied that their own rabbi has been looking for another position and that he combines the qualities of Moses, Socrates, and Einstein. The searchers were enthralled and hired this rabbi immediately. Within a short time however, it becomes obvious to them that he is terrible as a rabbi. They write indignantly to their colleagues and ask how they can be so flagrantly untruthful. The colleagues reply that “we told the truth. Like Moses, he cannot speak; like Socrates, he knows no Hebrew; and like Einstein, he is an atheist!"

Little Moishie Rubin was caught by his teacher Mrs. Goldenberg using a bad word.

"Moishie," Mrs. Goldenberg said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My Abba said it," Moishie responded.

"Well, it doesn't matter," explained the teacher, "you don't even know what it means."

"I do, so!" Moishie corrected. "It means the car won't start."

Finally, the first day of school. Moishie Rosenberg was entering 8th grade. He turned to his friend Shloimie, to reflect on the year that was to come.

“So what do you think Moishie?” his friend Shloimie asked. “Lots of pressure on you. After all your dad was valedictorian, your mom was valedictorian, and even your sister was valedictorian.

Moishie paused, leaned back in his chair and said, "Looks like the end of an era!"

Rivkah Epstein was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You need to get back here immediately with that medication. Do whatever you have to, to get in your car."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She tried to use it to open her car door but exasperated, admitted, "I don't know how to use this."

So Rivkah bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "God, this is what you sent to help me?"

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. In tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are an angel!"

The man replied, "I ain’t no angel lady. I just got out of prison today. For car theft, actually.”

Rivkah looked heavenward and cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! I’m sorry I questioned you. Not only did you answer my prayers and send me help, you even sent me a professional!"

Three Boys

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

Dave and Sarah Feinberg brought their new-born son to Dr. Klein, their pediatrician, for his first checkup. "You have a cute baby," Dr. Klein said

Smiling, Dave said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."

"No," Dr. Klein replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."

"So what do you say to the others?" Dave asked.

"He looks just like you!"

A man wakes up surprisingly early one morning and notes how it’s 5:55 AM. He looks outside and sees that it’s fifty-five degrees and the humidity is fifty-five percent. He turns on his TV to channel five. He gets up and realizes that it is May 5th. As he gets into his car to head to work he reflects on the mileage and realizes that his car has 55,555.5 miles on the odometer. Arriving at work he ponders how he works on the fifth floor. Arriving at his desk he sees that there are five messages awaiting him from the previous day. And suddenly the token drops. This is his lucky day and all the signs are there. He cancels all his meetings and heads immediately down to the racetrack. His ticket costs him $5 and he's put in section five; row five; seat five. Amazing! He looks through the list and is startled to discover that in the fifth race there is a horse called, “Five Cents.” He knows – he understands the heavens have spoken. He bets his entire bank account and maxes out all credit cards. Sure enough - the race is won. Guess what happened? Five Cents… came in fifth.

Two men meet on the street.

One says, “Rapaport, you changed so much! Look at you: You lost weight, you got a face lift, you got a hair transplant. I wouldn't have known its you!”

The other fellow says, “I’m not Rapaport.”

The first guy says, “Look at that, you even changed your name!”

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."

~~~~

A dog named Moishe is so smart that his master, Chaim Yankel, decides to send him to college.

Home for vacation, Chaim Yankel asks him how college is going.

"Well," says Moishe the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."

"Really!" says Chaim Yankel. "Say something in a foreign language."

Moishe the dog says, "Meow!"

~~~~

Brisket cut to perfection
A young Jewish mother is preparing a brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I am not sure.....this is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her. "

So, she phones the grandmother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting. The grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I am not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket."

Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"

"I don't know why you do it" says the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Sunday, little Rachel and her Bubbah go to a Shopping Center to buy a present for Rachel.

Unfortunately, while shopping, Rachel gets separated from her Bubbah and immediately starts to cry.

A security guard sees the sobbing little girl and takes her to the lost-and-found office.

When they ask Rachel for her name, she replies, "Shana Punam Kenahorah Poo Poo Poo."

So they again ask her for her name and she replies, "My name is Shana Punam Kenahorah Poo Poo Poo."

So the office puts out the following message over the loudspeaker, "We have in our lost-and-found office a cute brown eyed, blond haired little girl who has lost her grandmother. If you are that grandmother, please come and claim your granddaughter, "Shana Punam Kenahorah Poo Poo Poo."

Five Bubbahs immediately come running to claim her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A boy was watching his father, a rabbi, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, G‑d tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

O'Sullivan, Cabot, Kelly and Mendlebaum was one of the most successful law firms in New York. Of all the partners, Mendlebaum brought in the most business.

Lunching with him one day, a curious friend asked, "Why is your name listed last? O'Sullivan spends most of his time in the south of France. Cabot is at his club's bar every afternoon, and Kelly is at the race track all the time. Since you bring in all the business, your name should be first."

To which Mendlebaum replied, "All my clients read from right to left."

TIME MANAGEMENT

An old rabbi passed on the secrets of the perfect sermon to his son: “If everyone is looking at the clock, it’s fine. But once they put the clock close to their ears to hear if it’s still ticking, it’s time to wrap up.

NEWLYWED COUPLE!

He looked behind the curtains, under the bed, in the closets, and finally under the rug... And there, beneath the rug, he found a mysterious disc with four screws... Using his Swiss army knife, he undid the screws and threw the disc out the window!...

The following morning, as they were checking out, the hotel manager asked: “So how was your stay?... How was the service?... Was everything ok - any issues?”...

The groom was suspicious. “Why are you asking me so many questions?”

“Well,” said the manager, “the suite under you complained that the chandelier fell on them!”

Izzy owned a small pizza shop in Brooklyn. One day, a tax inspector knocked on his door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Issy had reported a net profit of $300.000 for the year and he wanted to know all about it.

"It’s like this," said Issy. "I work like a maniac all year round and all of my family helps me out whenever they can. My deli is closed only five days a year. That’s how I made $300,000."

"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business travel deductions of $80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made 28 business trips to Israel, Italy, Switzerland, France, the US, Hawaii, Australia, Alaska, and the Caribbean Islands. What are all these business trips about?"

"Oh," said Izzy, smiling.

"I forgot to tell you that we also deliver!"

Jewish Grandmother

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there...he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my God, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."

The Brisket

A young Jewish mother is preparing a brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I am not sure.....this is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her. "

"I don't know why you do it" says the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"

Pregnancy Class

The maternity class is full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor says, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you." "Walking is especially beneficial – it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." "Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface, like a grass path." The instructor continues, “And Gentlemen, remember – you’re in this together." "It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her." "In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.” The room suddenly becomes very quiet as the men absorb the information. After a few moments, a man at the back of the room slowly raises his hand. “Yes?” says the instructor. “I was just wondering," the man says,... "Would it be alright if she carries a golf bag whilst we walk?"

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the Rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?"

“I Samuel Benjamin Cohen, being of sound mind do hereby declare this to be my last will and testament. To my son Sheldon, my first born and the best dentist in the United States I leave one million dollars tax free. To my daughter Jane who was wonderful and always helped her mother with the dishes, graduated from college and is not married yet because she is too particular, I leave one million dollars. To my loving wife I leave (whatever is not in her name already) two million dollars.

Enjoy, sweetheart. Enjoy. To my brother-‐in-‐law Louie, who smoked fancy cigars, (mine) who lived with us ever since we got married, and who always said that I would never ever mention him in my will…

“HELLO, LOUIE!"

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ..... "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while.

Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?"

She replies, "It's a partners' meeting."

"But why are they shouting at each other?" Maurice asks.

"It's a battle of wits," she replies.

Maurice asks: "Who is in there?", and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."

A Mother’s Pressure

60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You’re in terrific shape. There`s nothing wrong with you. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn`t believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to? His mother put on tremendous pressure.”

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

A Lecture from whom?

Yankel had a problem. Every time the rabbi got up to give a sermon, within a few minutes he would doze off. Worse, he would begin to snore — loudly. This may have been a problem for Yankel, but for the poor rabbi it was impossible. As soon as he would get into the heart of the sermon, this loud noise emanated from the first row — Yankel at it again.

One Shabbat, the rabbi gets up to the pulpit and before opening his mouth, Yankel is already cranking it out.

The rabbi could not control himself... He shouts: “Yankel, I didn’t even start yet! How could I have possibly put you to sleep already?”

To which Yankel opened his eyes and replied, “Rabbi, — I trust you…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why.

The boy says, "You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal."

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

~~~~~~

Todd was sick of his job and was determined to find work elsewhere. But no matter how hard he tried, his reputation as someone who was not dedicated to the job, seemed to follow him around.
One day the phone rang at his office. Although Todd did not usually pick up the phone, he picked it up and said hello.

“Hi” said the man on the line, “I have an unusual question to ask you, I’m looking into a fellow Todd for a position in my company. Do you know this fellow?”

“Sure I know him”, responded Todd with a smile.

“Tell me,” asked the man. “Is he consistent with his work? Does he always show up on time?”

“Well I’ll be honest with you” Todd truthfully replied, “I’m not so consistent myself, but whenever I’m here he’s here!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.

She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

Sami walks into his boss's office. "Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies very interested in me - they're constantly calling, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise."

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

"By the way," asks the boss as Sam is getting up, "which three companies keep calling you?"

"If you must know," says Sam, "It's the electric company, water company, and phone company."

******

A child sees the bulletin of the Synagogue announcing that the congregation had just hired a new rabbi, his name is Rabbi Dr. Epstein.
The child is so excited that the new rabbi is also a doctor, that the next time he has a stomach ache, he calls the Synagogue.
"I would like to speak to the Rabbi Dr.," the boy says.
The rabbi gets on the line and asks how he can be of help.
"Well rabbi, the boy says, I have a stomach ache and I was wondering what you suggest I do."
"Sorry son, I'm not a medical doctor," replies the rabbi.
"What type of doctor are you?" asks the boy. "I am a Dr. of Philosophy," was the response.
The child thought for a moment and then asked, "What type of sickness is that?"

Air Conditioner

As soon as he shoves the wire through the slightly open window, his wife Sadie starts telling him what to do.

"Moishe, move it more to the right...now more to the left...Higher! Lower!"

Finally, Sadie says, "What's taking you so long, Moishe?"

Moishe replies, "Sadie, it's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"

******

The Wall

The couple goes to see a rabbi. They have not had any children. The rabbi says he is about to go to Israel, and pray at the Western Wall. “Write your request for children on a note and I will put it into the Wall.”

Awesome. Five years pass, the Rabbi is in town again. The woman comes to see him again.

“How have you been?” asks the Rabbi.

“Do you have children?”

“Yes, we have 11 children.”

“ELEVEN CHILDREN IN FIVE YEARS?!”

“Yes, the first year I had triplets. Year two, I had twins. Year three, I had twins again. Year four, I had one child. And this past year I gave birth to triplets. That’s makes it 11 kids.”

Wow. The Rabbi is ecstatic. Mazal Tov! Unbelievable news. “Now tell me,” the rabbi says, “where is your husband?”

“He is in Israel,” she says.

“What’s he doing there”?

“He went to the Western Wall looking for the note; he wants to retrieve it…”

******

A new rabbi finished giving his sermon in his new synagogue.
The president approaches him and says: thanks for giving us two speeches today.
“It was one,” the rabbi says.
“No, it was two,” the president says.
Why two?
“Ah, it was your first speech, and it was also your last speech!”

*******

A passenger was traveling on holiday on a budget airline.

“Would you like dinner?” the cabin crew asked.

“What are my choices?”

“Yes or no.”

************

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.

She asked, 'What does that mean?'

He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous, Hillarious.'

She said, Oh that's so lovely. And what about I, J, K?'

, He said, 'I'm Just Kidding,

The husband is still recovering,

FREE ADVERTISING

Shmuel bought a new refrigerator and took the old one down to the sidewalk in the street. He pasted a small ad: "Free refrigerator for anyone interested."

The refrigerator sat for two weeks; no one was interested in it—except for an inspector from the municipality who left a warning, citing that if the trash was not removed from the street within three day’s he’d get a $550 fine!

Shmuel, desperate to get rid of the clunker, changed the ad copy, replacing theword “free” with: “An excellent refrigerator in mint-condition for sale. Only $1,000!”

Within one hour, the appliance was stolen...

**********

Rivkah, a young mother, was teaching her 6-year-old daughter Sarah how to unbuckle her seat belt.

Sarah asked, "Do I click the red square, mummy?"

Rivkah said, "Yes, darling."

Sarah then asked, "Single click or double click?"

************

The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benjy was coming up to his 108th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.

"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.

"You could say that I am a health nut," Benjy answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I’ve been going to Israeli dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."

"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Shlomo followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 70. So how come it didn't work for him?"

"All I can say," replied Benjy, "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."

*****

An Odessa Jew meets another one. "Have you heard, Einstein won the Noble Prize?"

"Oh, what for?"

"He developed this Relativity theory."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"Well, you know, five hairs on your head is relatively few. Five hairs in your soup is relatively many."

"And for that, he wins the Noble Prize?!"

The Date

A man goes out with a woman on their first date. For the first three hours, he talks only about himself, his history, accomplishments and interests. Finally, he turns to her and says: "Enough of me speaking about myself; let me hear what you have to say about me."

Who's Doing the Talking?

"Does marriage change one's personality?" Greg asked his buddy Mike.

"In a way," says Mike. "You see, when I was engaged, I did most of the talking and she did most of the listening. When we just got married she did most of the talking and I did most of the listening.

"Now we both do most of the talking and the neighbors do all of the listening."

Sam meets his friend Moshe in Brent Cross shopping center. "Hi Moshe, I haven't seen you for some months. So nu? How is the Company doing that you set up with Maurice last year?"

"Well, as I told you then, I put up the money and Maurice put in his business knowledge.”

“But things have changed a bit since then."

"What do you mean?" Sam asks.

"Now Maurice has the money and I have the business experience."

A man shows up to work one day with bandages on both of his ears. “Oy—what happened to you?” his co-worker asks empathetically.

“Don’t ask,” the man replies. “I was ironing my shirt when the phone rang, and instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.”

“Oy, that’s horrible!” the friend commiserates. “But what about the other ear?”

“The guy called back!”

It was Irving and Sarah’s big day, their sixtieth wedding anniversary; they beamed with pride as they sat at the head of the table surrounded by their doting children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

It came time to cut the cake, and a visibly moved Irving stood up to raise a toast to his beloved wife and to his entire family: “Mazal Tov,” he began. “I just want to tell you how grateful I am to have reached this occasion, and how remarkable a journey it has been. People ask me what it is like to have been married to your grandmother for sixty years, and I must tell you, the whole thing felt to me like just two days!”

“How beautiful,” everyone murmured, touched by the raw display of love.

“That’s right,” Irving continued. “It felt like the two days of Yom Kippur and Tisha B’Av!”

A big-time developer from Dallas was visiting Israel… As his Israeli host was taking him around, he pointed to a new 20-story apartment-complex and exclaimed, “That building took our people less than two years to complete!”

The Texan sneered, “Ha!.. In Texas, a complex like that would go up in 6 months!”

As they moved along, they came to a brand-new power plant… Hoping not to be outdone by his guest this time, the Israeli said, “This new power-station took us less than three months to construct!”…

To which the Texan responded haughtily, “Buddy, a facility like that in Texas would take us a week – two weeks tops – to put up!”…

Toward evening, they passed a beautiful new tower in the Diamond Center, ablaze with lights – one of the most modern and impressive buildings in all of Israel…

“Hmm… What building is that across the street?” asked the Texan…

The Israeli casually shrugged his shoulders and said, “I don’t know… All I can say is — it wasn’t there this morning!

As soon as Izzie got home from work one evening, his wife Beckie came up to him and said, "Izzie, our cleaning lady stole two of our towels. Who would do such a thing?"

"I agree honey," said Izzie, not that interested. "That's wasn't a nice thing to do."

"You're right it wasn't," said Beckie, "They were the best towels we ever had – the two we took from the Hilton Eilat while we were on holiday last Passover."

****

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to
impress potential clients.

When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he
immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, pretending he was
actually talking to someone. "I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous
that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a
month. I'll have to get back to you then."

He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I
do for you? Make sure to do this fast, as I am in a mad rush, as you can see
from the endless telephone calls of clients."

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

******

When Rabbi Shpielman picked up the phone, Special Agent Anderson from the IRS was on the line.

"Hello, Rabbi Shpielman?"

"Yes, this is."

"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Samuels. Do you recognize the name?"

"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"

"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductible contribution to your synagogue? Is it true?"

"Well, I'll have to have my bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Samuels say he contributed?"

"One hundred thousand dollars," answered Agent Anderson. "Can you tell me if that's true?"

There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied Rabbi Shpielman, "Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."

Two men meet on the street.

One says, “Rapaport, you changed so much! Look at you: You lost weight, you got a face lift, you got a hair transplant. I wouldn't have known its you!”

The other fellow says, “I’m not Rapaport.”

The first guy says, “Look at that, you even changed your name!”

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

The client replied that he did.

Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win

Steve Goldstein decided to take his Zadie, Hymie, to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked his Zadie how he liked the experience.

"Oh, I liked it," Zadie replied, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, Steve asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flip a coin. One team gets it, and then for the rest of the game, all they keep screaming is, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' It's only 25 cents!"

Two Jews were standing and talking on a Moscow street.

One of them did not have official papers permitting him to be in Moscow at the time.

When a police officer approached them to verify their documents, the Jew with the documents told his friend not to worry and then proceeded to run from the officer.

The officer began to chase him. When he finally caught up, the officer asked him to show his documents, which he did. The officer asked him, "Why did you run away from me when you have the right documents?"

"My doctor told me to run one mile each day," responded the Jew.

"But why didn't you stop when you saw me running after you," asked the officer.

"I thought your doctor told you the same," said the Jew.

*******

A farmer was driving along the road one torrid summer day when he came upon an undersized old peddler, with a heavy load of merchandise on his back.

The poor little man appeared to be utterly exhausted as he trudged on.

The kindhearted farmer pulled his horse to a halt and offered the weary traveler a ride to the city.

They had been riding together for several minutes when the farmer noticed that his new companion was still holding the heavy burden on his back.

“My friend,” he said, “why not set your pack down in the wagon and make yourself comfortable?”

“Sir, you are a kind man and I don’t want to take advantage of your goodness,” answered the humble peddler. “It is enough that you are taking me to the city, and for that I thank you — but you don’t have to carry my pack too!”

****

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

      The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

      God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

      But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

      The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

      God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt

******

Shirley Feldman’s preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank.

Waiting in line at the teller's window, Shirley lamented to a middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"

"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."

Bubbie (grandmother) Sadie was taking her new granddaughter for a walk, when her neighbor Hilda comes over and peeks into the stroller.

“Wow is she cute” gushed Hilda.

“This is nothing” said Bubbie Sadie with a wave of her hand, “you should see the pictures!”

*****

Rabbi Feldman decided that it was time for his kids to show more gratitude.

“Children,” Rabbi Feldman said one night at the Shabbos table, “Hashem wants us to be grateful. That’s why we make blessings before we eat. But I want us to do more. Let’s go around the table and everyone should list things that they’re thankful for. Moishie, you go first.”

Little Moishie Feldman cleared his throat and began. “Well I’m thankful for Mommy, and I’m thankful for Abba. And Bubbie and Zadie. And all of my brothers and sisters. And this beautiful Shabbos meal. And especially the dessert. And...” suddenly Moishie paused, and everyone waited – and waited. After a long silence, Moishie looked up at his father and asked, "If I thank Hashem for the broccoli, won't He know that I'm lying?

A company CEO is training in a new director of hiring. Taking out a stack of 700 job applications, he shows him the trick for narrowing down the candidates. “You simply take the first twenty applications on the top of the stack,” he explains, “and throw the rest into the garbage.”

“Why?” the young man asks. “What if the best candidate’s application is at the bottom of the pile? How will we ever know? It’s so unlucky!”

“Aha,” the CEO explains, “that’s the first rule of hiring: You need a worker who has good luck.”

Away From Work

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

The Edelstein family

The Edelstein family from New York was getting a guided tour through one of the ancient crusader forces in the land of Israel.

"This place," their tour guide told them, "is almost one thousand years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said Zadie Edelstein, "they must have the same landlord I do."

******

A kindergarten teacher educating her class about G‑d asked her students to draw a
picture of Him. One child drew a grandfather with a flowing white beard; another drew a
mighty looking army general. One girl drew a picture of a scale.

“Why do you picture G‑d as a scale,” the teacher asked?

“Because every time my mother stands on the scale, she shouts, “Oh my G‑d!”

Seeing a homeless guy begging on the street, a woman took pity on him and gave him a handful of change.
“Thank you,” said the homeless man. “Your generosity is much appreciated. You know my life used to be great, but just look at the state of me now.”
“How do you mean?” asked the woman.
“Well,” he explained. “I was a multi-millionaire. I had bank accounts all over the world with hundreds of thousands of dollars deposited in each.”
“So where did it all go wrong?” she asked.
The homeless man sighed, “I forgot my mother’s maiden name"

Bedtime Story

A girl of seven walked into her mother’s bedroom and asked her to tell her a bedtime story.
The mother wasn’t thrilled with the request. She said, “It’s almost two in the morning.”
“I know, Mommy, but I’d love to hear a story.”
The mother said, “Lie down in bed with me. We’ll wait for your father to come back and he’ll tell us both one!”

Prayers

Several women from the synagogue's sisterhood visited an elderly sick congregant. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, “Esther, we will keep you in our prayers.

"Nu, maybe wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, “I can do my own praying.”

PHILANTHROPY

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"
"A check," replied the guide.

Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill.

After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."

"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."

*****

Goldstein wants to get married.

Schwartz and Goldstein have been friends for years. Goldstein has never been married and lamented to Schwartz that every woman he has brought home has been unacceptable to Goldstein's mother.

"Find a woman who is just like your mother," Schwartz advised.

Some months later, Schwartz asked Goldstein how his search for a woman his mother approved of was proceeding. Goldstein replied, "I found a woman just like my mother; you were right; my mother liked her very much."
Schwartz said, "Then what's the problem?"

Goldstein replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Sarah calls her friend to catch up. “How are you? How are the kids?”

“Everything is wonderful,” she replies. “The kids are doing wonderful. My seventh grader is getting great grades; my fifth grader is behaving, my third grader is the best in her dance class. My husband got a raise, and my boss called me yesterday to tell me how impressed she is with my work. I’ve already got all my weekend plans in order, and everything is just perfect.”

“Oh,” Sarah says. “It sounds like you have guests over in the house. No problem, I’ll call you back later….”

*********

Who Broke Them?

This father comes to visit his boy’s Sunday Hebrew school near their Temple. “David, how is it going,” the father asks. “Dad,” he says, “it’s great. I’m really learning a lot.”

“David, that’s wonderful. Let me ask you a question: Who broke the tablets?”

David’s face tensed up. “Dad, I did not do it… I don’t know who did it. I promise you, I never broke the tablets.”

The father was angry. He ran to the classroom and addressed his son’s teacher, Mr. Cohen. “Mr. Cohen, what kind of teacher are you? I ask my son who broke the tablets and he says that he didn’t do it! This is outrageous.”

Mr. Cohen responds: “Sir, I know your boy now for seven months. If he said he didn’t do it—then he didn’t do it!”

The father, now furious, runs into the principal’s office. “Mr. Klein. This Hebrew school is a disgrace. You ought to be embarrassed with your institution. I ask my son who broke the tablets and he tells me that he did not do it. I ask his teacher, what is going on in this school, and he tells me that if my son said he did not do it, then he did not do it. Mr. Klein! Is this the type of school you are running?”

And the principle responds:

“Sir, I understand how upset you must be about this whole broken tablets thing. Let me assure you right now that we will compensate you for those broken tablets. Just give me a receipt… I apologize for what happened.”

Driver

A driver runs a red light and is stopped by a police officer. “Driver’s license, please,” the officer asks. “Don’t have it,” the driver replies. “Registration?”

“Don’t have it.”

“Insurance information?”

“I don’t have insurance.”

Suspicious, the officer radios for support. A minute later, the commanding officer arrives. Sternly, he orders the driver to hand over his driver’s license. Sure enough, the driver pulls out his driver’s license. Next, he demands to see registration, and the driver pulls out his registration information. Finally, the officer demands to see insurance information, and the driver pulls out his insurance information.

“I don’t understand,” the commanding officer says. “Why did the other officer tell me you refused to hand over your documents?

“I don’t know,” the driver replies. “Next thing you know, he’ll probably also tell you I ran a red light!”

*********

Elizabeth

A couple is in the midst of a tremendous fight, as a gunman breaks into their home. Pointing his riffle at the woman of the home, he asks her for her name. The terrified woman mutters, “Elizabeth.”

“This is your lucky night,” the gunman responds. “I just can’t get myself to kill somebody who carries my mother’s name, may her soul rest in peace. My mother was a special woman. I won’t shoot you.”

He then points the riffle at her husband’s head. “What is your name?” thunders the gunman. The poor man is terror-struck. He knows that his answer will equal life or death and pauses to think.

“If you don’t want your brains blown out, tell me your name right now!” the gunman shouts.

“My name is Harry,” the horrified man replies, “but they call me Elizabeth.”

*******

A husband and wife were at a large shopping mall most of the day when the wife realized that she’d lost track of her husband... After searching all over, she finally called his cell and said, “Henry, I’ve looked everywhere!... Where are you?!”...

The wife, feeling incredibly joyful admiration for her thoughtful husband, said, “Oh, I do remember that, dear.”

“Well, I’m in the sports bar right across from that shop!”

Bright and Early

Sam was always late for classes. The three phones and two alarm clocks he kept near his bed were of no help; he simply could not open his eyes in the morning.

One day, his professor had enough. “Next time you wake up late,” he warned Sam, “You can just stay home. I’ve already prepared the email notifying you that you are dropping this course from your transcripts for this semester””.

Worried, Sam went to Watkins and got a strong sleeping pill. This will give you a good night’s sleep. You’ll wake up early, feeling refreshed as ever,” the doctor promised.

At bedtime, Sam swallowed the pill as instructed, and fell into a deep sleep. Sure enough, he woke up bright and early. For the first time in months, he showed up to class on time, proudly reporting to his professor the good news that he’d woken up that morning at 5:30.

“That’s excellent,” his teacher replied. “But where were you all day yesterday?”

Bedtime Story

Richer than Rothschild

“If I were Rothschild, I’d be even richer than Rothschild,” said the “schnorrer” beggar of Chelm.

“How can that be?” asked the wife. “If you were Rothschild, you’d have the same amount of money as he.”

“Naturally,” answered the schnorrer, “but I’d do a little begging on the side!”

"Grandpa what is that?" the boy asked his grandpa, pointing to the veteran memorial wall in the Shul lobby.

"That, my boy, is a tribute to all the people who died in the service."

"Oh wow!" exclaimed the awestruck boy. "The Rosh Hashanah service or the Yom Kippur service?"

Goldberg is the Shamas at the shul. One day he receives a package for the shul and signs for it with an "X".

The shul President asks what gives with the "X", and Goldberg admits that he can't write.

The President discusses this with the committee and they agree that it will not do to have an illiterate shamas, so they fire him.

What is an unemployed shamas to do? He opens a grocery store.... And it does very well.... So he opens another.

He becomes so successful that very soon he has a chain of supermarkets. He decides to expand across the country and he gets a billion-dollar loan from the bank.

The loan documents are placed before him for his signature. In the space he makes an "X".

The bank Sr. V.P. looks at the "X" on the document, shakes his head and says to Goldberg: "Mr Goldberg, can you imagine what you could have become if only you knew how to write...?"

Goldberg answers, "Yes, I know... a shamas."

A Patient Grandpa

I was walking through the local supermarket the other day when I saw a grandfather walking around with his 2 year old grandson. It was obvious that the grandpa wasn't having an easy time of it, with the siren-like voice of his cherished youngling scaling upwards every time candy or toys came into view.

The grandfather, however, kept his cool, and intoned softly to the child: "Jimmy, relax, it won't take long."

When the screaming didn't stop, the grandpa continued: "Jimmy, there's no reason to get angry, try to enjoy this walk and in a minute we'll be on the way home, promise."

When I came out of the store I saw them in the parking lot, the child screaming and the older man still talking softly and quietly to him. I couldn't help myself. I walked over to him.

"Sir," I said, "I have to say you are an amazing grandfather. The way you talk to the boy and keep your calm despite all of this screaming - Jimmy's a lucky kid to have a grandpa like you."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm Jimmy. This little bugger's name is Anthony."

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Some vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the chemicals in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”

He scans the audience quickly and points to a man in the front row, “You, sir, why don’t you give us your guess?”

The man in the front row lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake?”

******

Woody Allen: I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Not think of death as an end, but think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.

I don't believe in the afterlife, but just in case, I am bringing a change of underwear.

The Right Way

I called my husband on his cell to warn him about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

He replied: “I know! There are like hundreds of them!”

If You Feel Stupid

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help a child.

"Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked.

"No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!

Wearing the Pants

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.”

*****

Knowing Your Job

After six months of working for the company, it’s time for David’s evaluation. David walks into the boardroom, where three designer-suit-clad personnel managers are sitting behind a mahogany desk. The one on the left scans David’s file, looks up at him accusingly, and says, “I see here that you did not report for work at 9 am, not even one time during this entire period.”

The woman in the middle shakes her head and remarks, “This is a Fortune 500 Company. Instead of a jacket and tie, you report for work wearing jeans.”

The man on the right stares at the papers in his hand and says grimly, “Our surveillance cameras show that you spend less than 10% of your working hours at your desk. The rest of the time you’re walking around the building.”

The first evaluator shoots the question: “David! Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“Yes," he replies with confidence, "I was hired as the night watchman.”

******

Insecure

My wife left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.

The Comedian

Ever hear the joke about the insecure comedian?

...it's okay, you probably wouldn't have liked it, anyway.

****

Two hunters are creeping carefully through the jungle when they hear a noise. Suddenly, a beast with gleaming eyes leaps out from the trees and starts running toward them. Much to their dismay, they see it is a cheetah, the fastest living animal, from whom they cannot possibly escape.

Quickly, one of the hunters slips on his sneakers and starts to make a run for it. “Have you lost it? Why are you putting on your sneakers? Do you really think you can outrun an animal that runs sixty miles per hour?” his friend asks.

“I don’t need to outrun the cheetah,” he replies. “I just need to outrun you!”

******

Please tell me what you think?

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

****************

You know the story... Max Goldberg was heading out of the synagogue one Yom Kippur when the rabbi – who was standing at the door shaking hands with the congregation as they were leaving – pulled him aside and whispered urgently: “Max, you need to join the Army of G‑d!”

To which Max replied: “But Rabbi, I am already in the Army of God!”

“Oh really?” challenged the rabbi… “In that case, why is it that I hardly ever see you here – except maybe on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?”

To which Max whispered back: “Shhh, Rabbi!… I’m in the secret service!”

The Wall

Awesome. Five years pass, the Rabbi is in town again. The woman comes to see him again.

“How have you been?” asks the Rabbi.

“Do you have children?”

“Yes, we have 11 children.”

“ELEVEN CHILDREN IN FIVE YEARS?!”

“Yes, the first year I had triplets. Year two, I had twins. Year three, I had twins again. Year four, I had one child. And this past year I gave birth to triplets. That’s makes it 11 kids.”

Wow. The Rabbi is ecstatic. Mazal Tov! Unbelievable news. “Now tell me,” the rabbi says, “where is your husband?”

“He is in Israel,” she says.

“What’s he doing there”?

“He went to the Western Wall looking for the note; he wants to retrieve it…”

Abstract

The story is told of a famous child psychologist who spent many hours constructing a new driveway at his home. Just after he smoothed the surface of the freshly poured concrete, his small children chased a ball across the driveway, leaving deep footprints. The man yelled after them with a torrent of angry words. His shocked wife said, "You're a psychologist who's supposed to love children."

The fuming man shouted, "I love children in the abstract, not in the concrete!"

On the Highway

Sitting on the side of the highway, waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they have not muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142!”

Let My Wife See

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking derelict who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the man said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

“Will you use the money to buy cigarettes”?

“No way. Two dollars cannot get me a pack of cigarettes. I had to quit smoking years ago when the price of tobacco went up drastically.”

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad!"

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want my wife to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, smoking and golf!"

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "G‑d is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. G‑d is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

BEER

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink.

The president of Budweiser orders a Bud.

Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors.

When it is Guinness' turn to order, he orders a soda.

"Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks.

"Nah," Guinness replies. "If you guys aren't having a beer, neither will I."

The Boat

A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side:

"For Sale."

The Census

The Soviet census taker comes to the Goldman house.

“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.

“No,” replies Goldman.

“Well, then, what is your name?”

“Louis Goldman.”

“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”

“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They tell a story of a woman who each morning would open her front door and scream, “Praise the L-rd.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no L-rd.”

One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food. thinking it would be funny… he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.

The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the L-rd, who gave me this food!”

The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed: “it wasn’t the L-rd, it was me.”

The lady without missing a beat screamed: “Praise the L-rd for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

"Give me the box of matches" says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms..."No, no, don't!"

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match....

And now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!"

"It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But - we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars".

He strikes a match, which flames up, burns down, and..... nothing happens.

"Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"

The leader of the Martians says, "Today is Shabbos!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Abie and Sadie had worked for years in the shmata business. Finally, they made it big, very big, and to get a little legitimacy they give a big gift to the local orchestra. As a thank you for their contribution they are invited to a very fancy schmancy dinner party.

At the party, Sadie looks around for an entrée to this most impressive crowd. Hearing a group of ladies discussing Beethoven, she senses her chance. "Beethoven?" She says,

"Happens I know him very well. In fact, just the udder day I saw him on the number five bus going to the beach."

There is a hushed silence. Everyone is embarrassed by Sadie's faux pax. And then they all burst out in laughter.

Abie feels utterly humiliated. Back in the car, on the way home, Abie says to Sadie, "Vat's the matter vit you? You couldn't sit qviet like? You had to open your big mouth?

"But what's wrong with what I said?" Sadie wonders. "Why were they laughing? I actually do see Beethoven on the number five bus going to the beach?!"

Abie responds: You ignoramus! Don't you get it? Everybody knows that the number five bus doesn't go to the beach!"

Rowing Team

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.

Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. Morris schlepps off to Cambridge, Mass. and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice.

After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. "Well, I figured out their secret," he announces.

"What? Tell us! Tell us!" his teammates shout.

"We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row."

Priorities

When Golda Meir held the office of Israeli Prime Minister, she tried to encourage Henry Kissinger to make Israel a top priority.

He sent her a letter: "I would like to inform you that I'm first an American citizen; second, Secretary of State; and third, a Jew."

She responded: "In Israel, we read from right to left.”

Mechanic vs. Cardiologist

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doctor, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $80,000 a year, a pretty small salary, and you earn a hefty $460,000 when you and I are basically doing the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Always Late

Sarah was always late to work no matter how much she tried to be on time, or how many times her boss scolded her. She just could not wake up on time. Her boss said she would fire her if it did not stop. Sarah decided to seek the advice of her doctor. He prescribed her some medication and told her to take one pill before going to sleep. She did and she woke up before the alarm clock sounded and headed into work feeling well-rested. Sarah told her boss about the doctor’s prescription and how well it worked.

Her boss said, “That is great, Sarah, but where were you yesterday?”

Irritation, Aggravation, and Misery

A boy asks his father to explain the differences between irritation, aggravation, and misery.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.

"No—there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's ‘misery’?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"

Walking Out

"I hope you didn't take it personally, rabbi," an embarrassed Mrs. Rothman said after Shabbat morning service, "when my husband Morty walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the rabbi replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, rabbi," insisted Mrs. Rothman. "Morty has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"
"A check," replied the guide.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Telephone

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her.

Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

The Jokes

What I remember most about my dad’s jokes is my mother’s reaction. While everyone else was howling at one of his punch lines, my mom would always respond, “Bernard, no one thinks you’re funny.”

Chanukah Gift

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Chanukah.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

Richer than Rothschild

“If I were Rothschild, I’d be even richer than Rothschild,” said the “schnorrer” beggar of Chelm.

“How can that be?” asked the wife. “If you were Rothschild, you’d have the same amount of money as he.”

“Naturally,” answered the schnorrer, “but I’d do a little begging on the side!”

______________________________________________________________________________________

Stout Response

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,

"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Who Knew!

Izzy visits the doctor for his annual check-up.

“Izzy, you’re in terrific shape for a 60-year-old. You have the body of a 35 year old. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?”

“Who said my father died?”

“Wow! How old is he, and is he active?”

“Dad’s 82 and skis or surfs three times a week.”

“Amazing! How old was your grandfather when he died?”

“Who said my grandfather died?”

“You’re kidding. How old is he, and is he active?”

“Grandpa is 102, still skis and surfs, and he’s getting married again.”

“Why on earth would a 102-year-old want to get married again?”

“Who said he wanted to? His mother pressured him into it!”

_____________________________________________________________________________________

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.

"No—there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"

Midnight Lecture

A Jewish man is speeding along the highway at 1 a.m. A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?"

"To a lecture," the man responds.

"Who will give you a lecture at this hour?" the policeman wonders.

"My wife," he replies

Family Fueds

Seymour brags to his friend Monty about his family background and heritage.

“I want you to know that my great-great-grandfather fought with Gorge Washington in 1776.

During the civil War, my grandfather fought with Abe Lincoln.

During the Second World War, my father fought with Eisenhower"

Monty says: “No wonder. Seymour. you have no friends. Your family fights with everybody!"

First Day On The Job

Young Izzy reported for his first day of work at a supermarket. Monty the manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the warehouse.” “But I’m a college graduate,” Izzy replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the Monty. “Here, give me the broom, I will show you how.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEVELOPER

The Texan sneered, “Ha!.. In Texas, a complex like that would go up in 6 months!”

To which the Texan responded haughtily, “Buddy, a facility like that in Texas would take us a week – two weeks tops – to put up!”…

Toward evening, they passed a beautiful new tower in the Diamond Center, ablaze with lights – one of the most modern and impressive buildings in all of Israel… “Hmm… What building is that across the street?” asked the Texan…

The Israeli casually shrugged his shoulders and said, “I don’t know… All I can say is — it wasn’t there this morning!”

Picture Perfect

Bubbie (grandmother) Sadie was taking her new granddaughter for a walk, when her neighbor Hilda comes over and peeks into the stroller.

“Wow is she cute” gushed Hilda.

“This is nothing” said Bubbie Sadie with a wave of her hand, “you should see the pictures!”

Dinner Guests

A Jewish couple won twenty million dollars on the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in the Hamptons and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

Then they decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British. They brought him back to their home.

The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."

DIARY

A few days into the shutdown, one man made the following entry in his diary: “Day 3 without any sports.... I found a woman sitting on my couch... Apparently, she’s my wife... She seems nice.”

In a similar, but different, vein, someone said to me, “It’s been such a joy being home with my wife all this time...... In the span of 6 months, we’ve caught up on all the things I’ve done wrong for the past 30 years!”

Jewish Optimist

It’s like that Jewish optimist who was sitting with the Jewish pessimist.

The pessimist sighs, half to himself, and half to his optimist friend.

“Oy,” he says, “things couldn’t be any worse.”

“Sure they could!” says the optimist.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Air Conditioner

As soon as he shoves the wire through the slightly open window, his wife Sadie starts telling him what to do.

"Moishe, move it more to the right...now more to the left...Higher! Lower!"

Finally, Sadie says, "What's taking you so long, Moishe?"

Moishe replies, "Sadie, it's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"

The census taker comes to the Goldman house.

“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?

Irritation, Aggravation, and Misery

A boy asks his father to explain the differences between irritation, aggravation, and misery.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Ralph, please?"

"No! There's no one called Ralph here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Ralph a second time.

"No—there's no one here called Ralph. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's ‘misery’?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Ralph. Have I received any phone calls?"

The Fridge

Mr. Goldberg bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front garden and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”

For three months, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $200.’

The next day someone stole it.

The principle

A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?"
"You have discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?"

"People like to discuss things they know nothing about."

Moving Furniture

Rivkah gets into work late one Monday morning and goes to see her boss to apologize.

"I'm sorry I'm late, but I had to move some furniture this morning before I came into work. In fact my back is killing me after my efforts."

"So why didn't you wait until your husband gets home tonight?" asks her boss.

"I could have," says Rivkah, "but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

A Customer, a Clerk and the Store Manager

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer.

“No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said…

“That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled,

“Never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”

The clerk smiled and said, “Rain…”

Blame

A husband and wife are in synagogue. The Rabbi notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”

His Mother Pressured Him

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn`t believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to? His mother put on tremendous pressure.”

Oy Vey

Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach.

The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..."

The second lady nods, sighs and says, "Oy vey!"

The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!"

The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's

get back to the game."

The Anesthesiologist

Bill received a bill from the hospital for his recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 charge for the anesthesiologist. He called his office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" he asked when he got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"Well," said Bill, "That's awfully costly for just knocking someone out!"

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The $900 is for bringing you back around."

Business Turnaround

Sam meets his friend Moshe in Brent Cross shopping center. "Hi Moshe, I haven't seen you for some months. So nu? How is the Company doing that you set up with Maurice last year?"

"Well, as I told you then, I put up the money and Maurice put in his business knowledge. But things have changed a bit since then."

"What do you mean?" Sam asks.

"Now Maurice has the money and I have the business experience."

Big Decisions

You know the joke about how this Rabbi gave a man the best wedding advice: That his wife should be in charge of small decisions and he, the big ones.

After 30 years he came to the rabbi complaining: In 30 years, there have been no big decisions!

To which his wife responded: Of course there have been-and I allowed you to decide them all!
Like what? Asked the husband.Like what? I will tell you: a big decision is what to do about Global Warming, conflict in Iraq, the situation in Iran... that you decide, my dear, and I do not mix in. Small decisions are-where we live, where we send our kids to school, which synagogue we attend, what type of house we buy!

Locked out

As soon as he shoves the wire through the slightly open window, his wife Sadie starts telling him what to do.

"Moishe, move it more to the right...now more to the left...Higher! Lower!"

Finally, Sadie says, "What's taking you so long, Moishe?"
Moishe replies, "Sadie, it's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"

Can't Complain

A Russian Jew wanted to immigrate to Israel.

The local commissar calls him in for questioning
and asks:

Q. Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in
your Synagogue?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we let you live in peace with your
fellow Jews?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within
and beyond the village?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we allowed you to teach your children
Torah?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we let you practice your profession?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Then why do you want to go to Israel?
A. "There, I can complain!"

Whose Right?

Morris and Miriam, both a bit stubborn, were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," Miriam told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

Morris agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," Miriam said.

With a twinkle in his eye, Morris responded, "You're right!"

Jewish Grandmother

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."

Long Speech!

A famous TV producer attended a Rosh Hashanah service at a certain congregation in Hollywood. The Rabbi delivered a forty-five minute sermon on the importance of repentance and holiness. After the service was over and everyone was lining up to wish the Rabbi well, the producer introduced himself and said, “Hi, I’m the producer of a highly-regarded and very successful news show. Rabbi, do you think you could condense your sermon into three minutes?”

The Rabbi, who had visions of being on national television and becoming rich and famous immediately said: “Yes! I could do that.”
“Nu”, said the TV producer: “Then why didn’t you?”

Warning! Dear Chabad Naples family: Rabbi Fishel has no aspirations for TV fame and glory:)

Not Talking To You

At our weekly Bible study, the leader asked an elderly gentleman, Walt, to open the meeting with prayer. Walt did so in a soft voice. Another man, straining to hear, shouted, “I can’t hear you!” Walt replied, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

NEWLYWED COUPLE!

This newlywed couple checked into a suite at the Watergate Hotel in Washington for their honeymoon... The bride was worried that the place might still be bugged, so she asked her husband to search the room thoroughly...

He looked behind the curtains, under the bed, in the closets, and finally under the rug... And there, beneath the rug, he found a mysterious disc with four screws... Using his Swiss army knife, he undid the screws and threw the disc out the window!...

The following morning, as they were checking out, the hotel manager asked: “So how was your stay?... How was the service?... Was everything ok - any issues?”...

The groom was suspicious. “Why are you asking me so many questions?”

“Well,” said the manager, “the suite under you complained that the chandelier fell on them!”

The Boat

A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side:

"For Sale.

The Old Man

Arnold had reached the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Worried by Arnold's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

Arnold looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected G‑d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have “forgotten” about me and I don't want to remind Him."

Bar Mitzvah

When Ben and his family returned home from his son’s Bar Mitzvah, they were shocked to discover that all the money and cards he received had gone missing! Rivkah, Ben’s wife swore she handed all the cards and money to the Rabbi and asked him to keep an eye on it throughout the party. Ben didn’t want to accuse his Rabbi of stealing, so decided it was best to avoid him!

A full year later, Ben see’s the Rabbi at the grocery store. The Rabbi corners him and says “Ben, nu! Why have you been avoiding me!” Ben sighs. “To be honest Rabbi, I have been avoiding you ever since we discovered that the cards and money have been missing from the Bar Mitzvah!” “Tell me, Ben,” the Rabbi says. “Has your son been putting on his tefillin?” “Of course!” Ben answered. “But what does that have to do with the money?” The Rabbi answers, “I put the cards and money in your sons tefillin bag which he clearly hasn’t opened since his Bar Mitzvah!”

Praise the Lord

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “Praise the Lord!”

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!”

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for god to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted “Praise the Lord. God I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please Lord, send me some groceries!!”

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “Praise the Lord.”

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.”

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, “Praise the Lord. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the atheist pay for them. Praise the Lord!”

Paranoia

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.

She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

The Banquet

The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend.

He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed.

He began, "There is no clergyman present, let us thank G‑d."

G‑d’s Creation

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up,
“Grandpa, did G‑d make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “G‑d made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she said. “Grandpa, did G‑d make me, too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “G‑d made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “G‑d’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

Tuna Casserole

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.)

Insomnia

Dr. Goldstein moved into the neighborhood and began attending the local shul.

Rabbi Feldman was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, Rabbi Feldman referring people to the doctor, and Dr. Goldstein telling patients about the shul.

One referral from Dr. Goldstein called the shul office asking for a written copy of the Rabbi’s last four Shabbat sermons. Rabbi Feldman was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.

Last Breath

You know the story: Old Jacob is lying on his bed, very ill, waiting for his final breath.

All of the sudden, he whispers: "Judith, my loved wife ... are you there?"

"Yes my beloved husband... I am here by your side," Judith says.

Old Jacob whispers again: "Isaac, my son... are you there?"

"Yes, father... I am here with you," is the answer.

Old Jacob breathes heavily and goes on: "Sarah, my beautiful daughter-in-law... are you there?"

"Sure I am here by your side", says Sarah.

Old Jacob breathes one more time, waits a few seconds and whispers: "What about little Billy? Are you there, my grandson?

"Yeah grandpa, I am here too by your side," says little Billy.

Old Jacob breathes one more time, waits a little while and then open his eyes, looks around and says "Family, if you are all here, who is taking care of the shop?!"

All free in heaven

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Discovering your Name

A young Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus on his first day of kindergarten.

"Please behave, my bubaleh," she says.

"Take good care of yourself and think about your mother who is waiting for you, tataleh!"

"And come right back home on the bus, my shepseleh."

"Remember, your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketzeleh!"

At the end of the school day, the bus returns. She runs to her son and hugs him.

"So what did the love of my life learn on his first day of school?" she asks.

"I learned my name is David," is the boy's response.

Zen Hot Dog

So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says, “Make me one with everything.”

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

“Where’s my change?” asks the Zen master. The hot dog vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”

PHILANTHROPY

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"
"A check," replied the guide.

The Grandmother

Last year, just before Hanukkah, Miriam, a grandmother was giving directions to her grown up grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. 'You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 2B.'

Miriam continued, 'There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 2B. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 2. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.'

'Grandma, that sounds easy,' replied Jonathan, the grandson, 'but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow.'

To which she answered, 'You're coming to visit empty handed?'

Bad Words

Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking the neighbor’s window with a baseball.

“What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father.

“Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?”

“Without, of course.”

“Well, then, he said nothing.”

Speeding

An Israeli cop is patrolling the highways, when he pulls over a young driver speeding way beyond the speed limit.

The cop proudly walks up to the driver's window: "I've been waiting for you all day!"

To which the kid replies: "I tried to get here as fast as I could..."

The Report Card

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Little Girl

A little girl was punished for some act of disobedience. Her mom and dad decide that her punishment will be for her to eat dinner alone in the corner of the dining table, while the rest of them would sit on the other side of the table.

As they sat down to eat that night the family paid no attention to her until they heard her pray. She was actually paraphrasing the famous Psalm chapter 23:
“I thank You, Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”

Fishing in the Dead Sea

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do. For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, where are the fish? And, by the way, how many fish did you catch today”?

The fisherman answered “You are number six”

Big Decisions

You know the joke about how this Rabbi gave a man the best wedding advice: That his wife should be in charge of small decisions and he, the big ones.

After 30 years he came to the rabbi complaining: In 30 years, there have been no big decisions!

To which his wife responded: Of course there have been—and I allowed you to decide them all!

Like what? Asked the husband.

Like what? I will tell you: a big decision is what to do about Global Warming, conflict in Syria, the situation in Iran… that you decide, my dear, and I do not mix in. Small decisions are—where we live, where we send our kids to school, which synagogue we attend, what type of house we buy!

Construction

The Texan sneered, “Ha!.. In Texas, a complex like that would go up in 6 months!”

To which the Texan responded haughtily, “Buddy, a facility like that in Texas would take us a week – two weeks tops – to put up!”…

The Israeli casually shrugged his shoulders and said, “I don’t know… All I can say is — it wasn’t there this morning!”

In the Beginning

You know the one about the new patient who settled comfortably on the couch, and the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heaven and the Earth...

Picture Perfect

Bubbie (grandmother) Sadie was taking her new granddaughter for a walk, when her neighbor Hilda comes over and peeks into the stroller.

“Wow is she cute” gushed Hilda.

“This is nothing” said Bubbie Sadie with a wave of her hand, “you should see the pictures!”

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A Minneapolis couple decided to go out to Florida during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife…..Subject: I’ve Arrived

I know you may be surprised to hear from me. But they have free WIFI here so I thought I would send you an email.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for the angel Michael to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around, were her parents and all the other people she had loved, and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When the angel Michael came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” the angel said. “Which word?” the woman asked. “Love.” The woman correctly spelled “Love” and the angel welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Angel Michael came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you passed,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse whom you never liked; and then I won the 250 million dollar lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion, and a private Jet. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!

“Now, how do I get in to this beautiful paradise? I am starving…”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked. “Czechoslovakia,” she said.

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The Match

I love the story of a boxing match taking place in Madison Square Gardens in New York, in front of 30 thousand spectators where two world champion boxers, Mike Tyson and his opponent Lenox Lewis, are fighting it out in the ring.

One fellow, below the boxing stage screams out throughout the first round to Mike Tyson: “Give him a right…….give him a left… give him the hook…”

In the following round, the same fellow screams out throughout the round to Lenox Lewis, ‘Give him a right… give him a left.. give him the hook…knock him out… Get him, common!

A nearby spectator could not understand what on earth was going on here. He turns to the man screaming and says, ‘you got me confused, who are your betting on, Mike Tyson or Lenox Lewis?

And he replies: “For neither of them… I am a dentist…”

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Reluctant to Attend the Synagogue

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Rivka [Rebecca] went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to the synagogue [Shul], to which he replied in a dull voice, 'I'm not going.'

'Why not?' Rivka demanded.

'l'll give you two good reasons Mother,' he said. 'One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them.'

Rivaka replied in an exasperated voice, 'I'll give you two good reasons why you must go to the synagogue. 'One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the Rabbi.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Rabbi, who had visions of being on national television and becoming rich and famous immediately said: “Yes! I could do that.”

“Nu”, said the TV producer: “Then why didn’t you?”

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The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?" Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving."

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The Steak

Yankel and his wife Dina go to the Kosher Restaurant and order steak and chips. They are served with fantastically tasty, giant steaks which they think are the best they’ve had for years. You have never seen such a big stake in your life.

They are so excited about their meal that they tell their friends Abe and Sarah about it. Abe doesn’t believe any meal could be that good, so all four decide to go back next weekend to check it out.

When they get there, they all order steak and chips. However, much to their disappointment, the waiter brings them very small steaks. You need a magnifying glass to find it on your plate.

Yankel asks to see the manager.

"I’m very upset with our meals," he says to the manager. "My wife and I were in this restaurant only last week and you served us big juicy steaks. Today, however, just when I've bought my best friends with us, you serve us such small ones."

"Yes, sir, I know," replies the manager. "But last week you were sitting by the window where everyone sees.”

The Best Beer

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”

The Guinness resident replies “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”

Discovering your Name

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Forgiveness

Once, on Yom Kippur, a Rabbi spoke about forgiveness.

After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.

About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he lectured the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question.

All responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Cohen, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"106."

"Mrs. Cohen, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a lady can live to be 106 and not have an enemy in the world."

The old lady teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, and blurted out, "I outlived them all!"

The Job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

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My Health

Jack Silverberg who lives in a little shtetl in England goes to consult a world-famous specialist in NY about his heart condition.

"So, doctor, what do I owe you?"

"My fee is $10,000," replies the specialist.

"10,000? But that's impossible!?"

"OK, then - in your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to $8,000."

"8k for one visit!? Absurd! You are meshugah! What do you need all this money for anyhow?"

"Alright, then, can you afford 7k?"

"Who even has that kind of money for one doctor consultation?"

""Look," says the doctor, becoming quite irritated, "Just give me 5k and get out of here."

"I can give you 500 dollars," says Silverberg. “Not a penny more. 500 dollars is reasonable. Take it or leave it!"

"I don't understand you," says the doctor, frustrated, angry and annoyed. "Why did you shlep all the way from Britain to the most expensive doctor in all of the US? You knew how expensive I am! If you don’t have the money, why did you come to me?!"

"Listen, Doctor," Silverberg explains. "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!"

Commandment

A Hebrew school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

*****

Tiger Vudds

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from P.M. Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?," he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?," asked the Pope.

“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.

The Narcissist

“My husband and I divorced for religious reasons,” a woman once remarked. “He thought he was G‑d and I didn't.”

"How do you drown a narcissist?"

Answer: Put a mirror at the bottom of the swimming pool.

"Why won't a vampire attack a narcissist?"

Answer: Professional courtesy

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Do You Know Who I Am?

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

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Funny You Ask Me

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did he say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

Churchill Sleeping

They tell this story about Winston Churchill. As Savior of the free world he felt himself entitled to grab a little shuteye (“schlof”, or nap) in the House of Commons. When a fellow Parliament member approached him and said, “Must you fall asleep when I am speaking?”

Churchill answered, “No, it is purely voluntary.”

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Anniversary

I once asked a couple on their 50th anniversary, what was the secret of their long marriage.

The guy said, that when they got married, they made a pact that no matter what happens, they will always go out twice a week.

And he said we never missed a week. I went out on Mondays and Wednesdays, and she went out on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

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Aisle Seat

I love to tell the story of the fellow who had an obsession about getting an aisle seat on his flight.

6 months before his flight he would ring up after he booked online and reserve an aisle seat…yes sir…you have an aisle seat 38c

Three months before he would ring up the airline again and confirm, yes sir you have aisle seat 38c…one month before he would ring up the airline again and confirm

Two weeks before he would ring up the airline again and confirm: Yes sir you have aisle seat 38c.

A week before he would ring up the airline again…

The day before he would drive to the airport and speak to the ticketing agent, yes sir you have aisle seat 38c.

On the day of his flight he comes hours before…to check that he has aisle seat 38c

He finally takes his trip…he arrives at his destination and his friend picks him up on the other side after he has landed.

His friend looks at him and he sees he is beside himself. The friend says ‘what’s the matter Herman, you look upset’….

He says ‘I look upset’…I look upset… 6 months ago I booked an aisle seat…3 months ago…a month ago …a week ago…yesterday…today… and when I got on the plane…what do you think…I DIDN’T have the aisle seat….

The friend, trying to be helpful says, if it was so important to you to have the aisle seat, why didn’t you ask the fellow in 38c to switch seats with you…

The fellow says: don’t you think I thought of that? There was no one sitting in that aisle seat!

You know the text message I received from a heavy smoker acquaintance: “I just read an article on the dangers of heavy smoking. It scared the daylights out of me. So that’s it: after today . . . no more reading!”

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Forgiveness

Once, on Yom Kippur, a Rabbi spoke about forgiveness.

After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.

About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he lectured the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question.

All responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Cohen, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"106."

"Mrs. Cohen, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a lady can live to be 106 and not have an enemy in the world."

The old lady teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, and blurted out, "I outlived them all!"

A Call to Mother

Moshe calls his mother and asks, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," Miriam says. "I'm feeling very weak."
"Why, mother? "
Miriam says, "Because I haven't eaten in 23 days."
Moshe replies, "That's terrible, mother. Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?"
Miriam answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!"

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More Matzah?

What did the Teddy Bear say when he was offered the afikomen?

No thanks, I’m stuffed

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Kidding Me ?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, of course I am kidding, but you started the kidding around."

A Crowbar

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and — WHACK!! — knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden — WHACK!! — the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and — WHAM!!!" — knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

Wake Him Up

The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the gabai (shul assistant) to come over.

The Rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up."

The gabai replied, "You put him to sleep. You wake him up.”

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In Bed

Mrs. Greenberg was teaching her first grade class about saying blessings and praying.

"For example children,” said Mrs. Greenberg “Before we go to sleep we should sing shema.

“Who here says their prayers at night?"

Little Chaim answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said Mrs. Greenberg, "And what does your mother say?"

Chaim replied, "THANK G-D, HE'S IN BED!

The Boat

A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side:

"For Sale.

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Big Decisions

You know the joke about how this Rabbi gave a man the best wedding advice: That his wife should be in charge of small decisions and he, the big ones.

After 30 years he came to the rabbi complaining: In 30 years, there have been no big decisions!

To which his wife responded: Of course there have been—and I allowed you to decide them all!

Like what? Asked the husband.

Like what? I will tell you: a big decision is what to do about Global Warming, conflict in Iraq, the situation in Iran… that you decide, my dear, and I do not mix in. Small decisions are—where we live, where we send our kids to school, which synagogue we attend, what type of house we buy!

Irritation, Aggravation, and Misery

A boy asks his father to explain the differences between irritation, aggravation, and misery.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Ralph, please?"

"No! There's no one called Ralph here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Ralph a second time.

"No—there's no one here called Ralph. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's ‘misery’?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Ralph. Have I received any phone calls?"

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A woman runs into a theater in Israel, calling out "Is there a doctor in the house, doctor , doctor"

The play stops, the lights go on, and three men get up, each saying "I am a doctor - how can I help"

"Oy", answers the woman, .... " have I got a girl for you!"

An Orphan

In the 1970's, a Russian school inspector is questioning the children. He points to one of the boys and says, "Who is your father?"

The boy replies, "The Soviet Union."

He then asks, "Who is your mother?"

"The communist party," came the reply.

"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I want to be a Stankhanovite worker for the glory of the state and the party."

The inspector then points to one of the girls and asks, "Who is your father?"

The girl answers, "The Soviet Union."

"Who is your mother?" — "The communist party."

"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"A heroine of the Soviet Union raising lots of children for the state and party."

The inspector looks round and sees a Jewish boy tucked away at the back trying to look inconspicuous. He points and says, "What's your name?"

The boy replies, "Mendel Abramovitch."

"Who is your father?"

"The Soviet Union."

"Who is your mother?"

"The communist party."

"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Mendel replies, "An orphan.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Cane

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane."

Jokes

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"

Student: "My father's check book!"

Fibbing Fido

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.”

Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I Never Tried

Becky is having lunch with Hannah, the world’s most perfect ‘Princess.’

Becky says, "My husband David is just impossible. Absolutely nothing pleases him. Tell me, Hannah, is your Marvin hard to please?"

Hannah shrugs and replies, "I wouldn't know. I've never tried."

Spend, Spend

Freda comes back from her trip to Brent Cross shopping center and tells her husband Morris that she’s just bought another new designer dress.

"What? You must be joking," Morris shouts. "That’s the third one you’ve bought this week. Where on earth do you think I’m going to find the money to pay for them?"

"I may be many things, darling," Freda replies, "but inquisitive I’m not."

Mechanic vs. Cardiologist

So how come I make $80,000 a year, a pretty small salary, and you earn a hefty $400,000 when you and I are basically doing the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

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Irritation, Aggravation, and Misery

A boy asks his father to explain the differences between irritation, aggravation, and misery.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Ralph, please?"

"No! There's no one called Ralph here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Ralph a second time.

"No—there's no one here called Ralph. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's ‘misery’?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Ralph. Have I received any phone calls?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Speeding

An Israeli cop is patrolling the highways, when he pulls over a young driver speeding way beyond the speed limit.

The cop proudly walks up to the driver’s window: “I’ve been waiting for you all day!”

To which the kids replies: “I tried to get here as fast as I could…”

When the cop finally finished laughing, he sent him off without a fine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Health

Jack Silverberg who lives in a little shtetl in England goes to consult a world-famous specialist in NY about his heart condition.

"So, doctor, what do I owe you?"

"My fee is $10,000," replies the specialist.

"10,000? But that's impossible!?"

"OK, then - in your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to $8,000."

"8k for one visit!? Absurd! You are meshugah! What do you need all this money for anyhow?"

"Alright, then, can you afford 7k?"

"Who even has that kind of money for one doctor consultation?"

""Look," says the doctor, becoming quite irritated, "Just give me 5k and get out of here."

"I can give you 500 dollars," says Silverberg. “Not a penny more. 500 dollars is reasonable. Take it or leave it!"

"I don't understand you," says the doctor, frustrated, angry and annoyed. "Why did you shlep all the way from Britain to the most expensive doctor in all of the US? You knew how expensive I am! If you don’t have the money, why did you come to me?!"

"Listen, Doctor," Silverberg explains. "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!"

Boss Comes First

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

“Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Indian Weather Prediction

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied,

"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nosey Yenta

The new mailman is delivering a registered parcel and needs a signature so he rings the doorbell. Sadie sticks her head out of the bedroom window and says, "Nu, what is it?"

"I have a registered parcel for Mrs. Levy," he replies.

"Is it wrapped in fancy gift paper or just plain brown paper?" Sadie asks.

"Ordinary brown paper, madam," he replies.

"So who is it from?" Sadie asks.

"It's from Macy's department store," he replies.

"Does it say from which branch?" Sadie asks.

"Yes, madam," he replies, "it's from Main Street."

"Does it say what's in it?" Sadie asks.

"It says it's from their Cooking ware department," he replies. "Will you now come down and sign for it, please."

"Sorry," replies Sadie, "I can't do that."

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because," Sadie replies, "I'm Sadie Cohen. Mrs. Levy lives next door."!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Girl

A little girl was punished for some act of disobedience. Her mom and dad decide that her punishment will be for her to eat dinner alone in the corner of the dining table, while the rest of them would sit on the other side of the table.

As they sat down to eat that night the family paid no attention to her until they heard her pray. She was actually paraphrasing the famous Psalm chapter 23:

“I thank You, Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let Sam Pace the floor

Its t's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor."Melvin, why can't you sleep?" she asks him. "You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1,000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money. I don't know what I'm going to do." Melvin replies.

Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam."

Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what do you want?"

Goldie says, "You know the $1,000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."

She then slams the window shut, turns to Melvin and says, now you go to sleep, and let Sam pace the floor."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How Is Your Marriage?

“How is your marriage?” Someone once asked a woman.

Her response: “Before I got married, I was incomplete. Now, that I married, I am finished.”

Why the Tears?

The local Hebrew School decided to observe Chanukah with a special ecumenical celebration, and invited everyone in the neighborhood, of whatever background, to participate in any way they thought appropriate, or to just come and observe, and have some home-baked cookies washed down with grape juice or heavy super-sweet wine.

There were speeches, dramatizations, and miscellaneous musical performances. At one point Mrs. Goldberg, in the third row, wiped away a tear as her little Miriam scratched out a hesitant rendition of "Havanu Sholom Aleichem" on a shiny new violin. Mrs. Goldberg noticed that a man seated next to her also had tears running down his face.

"Isn't it wonderful", she said to him, "to know that our heritage will be carried on by the next generation!"

"I suppose so," he said, "but I'm not Jewish."

“So why the tears?"

"I'm a musician…"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Customer, a Clerk and the Store Manager

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer.

“No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said…

“That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled,

“Never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”

The clerk smiled and said, “Rain…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bad Presents

A husband was giving a speech on wife’s 30th birthday, he said:

Forget about the past, you can’t change it.

Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

A gift to a mother

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 12 years to teach him. I had to spend $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote, my first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so boring!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car.

He asked suspiciously "What are those for?"

The man replied "I'm a circus juggler.” "I use those in my circus act, and I am late for my show…"

The officer demanded. "Well, show me,"

Another car passed by. The driver slowed down, watching the entire scene in amazement, then says,

"My G‑d. I really got to give up drinking....! Look at the test they're giving now, for drunk driving."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So a wife was scrambling eggs one morning when suddenly her husband bursts into the kitchen. "Careful," he cries. "You’re cooking too many at once. Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Hurry up! Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! The salt!" The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?" Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boss Comes First

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

“Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Flight Attendant

A guy sitting at an airport bar in JFK noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for? How do I strike up a conversation?"

Hoping to connect to her, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. It was American. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman turned on him, "Are you crazy? Can you shut your idiotic mouth? What do you want from me?! Bug off!"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said... "Ahhh, El Al!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Bed

Mrs. Greenberg was teaching her first grade class about saying blessings and praying.

"For example children,” said Mrs. Greenberg “Before we go to sleep we should sing shema.

“Who here says their prayers at night?"

Little Chaim answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said Mrs. Greenberg, "And what does your mother say?"

Chaim replied, "THANK G-D, HE'S IN BED!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a Killer

One Shabbat morning, Rabbi Levy noticed seven-year-old David staring up at the large plaque hanging in the shul lobby. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. David had been staring at the plaque for some time, so Rabbi Levy walked over to him and said quietly, “Shabbat shalom, David.”

“Shabbat shalom, Rabbi,” replied David, still intent on the plaque. “Rabbi, what is this?”

“Well, David, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Then little David, in a barely audible whisper, asked, “Which service, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prized Possession

A successful young businessman opened the door to his BMW when suddenly a car came along and hit the door ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the young man was crying, Oh, my Beemer! My Beemer!”

“You’re so worried about your BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left hand was ripped off!” snarled the cop.

“Oh no!” said the young man, “Not my Rolex too!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who's Doing the Talking?

"Does marriage change one's personality?" Greg asked his buddy Mike. "In a way," says Mike. "You see, when I was engaged, I did most of the talking and she did most of the listening. When we just got married she did most of the talking and I did most of the listening. Now we both do most of the talking and the neighbors do all of the listening."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Rabbi and his Driver

A renowned rabbi, a brilliant philosopher, was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality, ethics and philosophy.

Then one day the driver approached the rabbi and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The rabbi agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a man in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Fundraiser

A doctor, a lawyer, and a fundraiser are walking along a beach when they discover an old lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie comes out and says he will grant each of them a wish.

The doctor asks to have more money than he can ever spend. Poof. He has an endless stream of income hooked up to his bank account. He runs off elated.

Next is the lawyer. He says, “Yes, give me that too! Endless money in my bank account.” Poof. It happens. The lawyer runs off elated.

“And what is your wish?” the genie asks the fundraiser. “If it’s not too much trouble,” says the fundraiser, “I’d like the business cards of the doctor and the lawyer?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fear of Public Speaking

“According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”― Jerry Seinfeld

“There are two types of speakers: those who are nervous and those who are liars.”—Mark Twain

Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the donkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Jews in Moscow

Two Jews were standing and talking on a Moscow street. One of them did not have official papers permitting him to be in Moscow at the time. When a police officer approached them to verify their documents, the Jew with the documents told his friend not to worry and then proceeded to run from the officer.

"My doctor told me to run one mile each day," responded the Jew.

"But why didn't you stop when you saw me running after you," asked the officer.

"I thought your doctor told you the same," said the Jew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Religious Cowboy

"Not really," said the donkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pills, Pills, Pills

Monty Cooperman hadn’t been feeling well so he went to visit Dr. Rosen. Dr. Rosen examined Monty, left the room, and then came back with three different bottles of pills.

Dr. Rosen said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine, Monty stammered, "Wow Doc, exactly what is my problem?"

Dr. Rosen replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near.

He says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills house."

His wife objects: “Bernie? He needs Beverly Hills with his arrogance? Better leave it to Rachel.

Morris says: “And to my daughter Rachel, I leave half my stocks and bonds.”

His wife pipes up: “Rachel?! She knows from business? The girl can’t add two and two. Better to leave them to Bernie.”

Morris continues. And to my youngest son, Jeremy, I leave my fleet of vintage cars.”

“What?” yells his wife. “Three tickets he got just last month!”

Finally Morris turns to his wife. “Sylvia … who’s dying here … me or you?”

The Flight Instructor

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' he responded, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Business versus pleasure

Izzy owned a small deli in Stamford Hill, in London. One day, a tax inspector knocked on his door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Issy had reported a net profit of $250.000 for the year and he wanted to know all about it. "It’s like this," said Issy. "I work like a maniac all year round and all of my family helps me out whenever they can. My deli is closed only five days a year. That’s how I made $250,000."

"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business travel deductions of $80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made 28 business trips to Israel, Italy, Switzerland, France, the US, Hawaii, and the Caribbean Islands. What are all these business trips about?"

"Oh," said Izzy, smiling. "I forgot to tell you that we also deliver!"

The Pub

A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar.

The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender."

So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man approached old Mr. Katz in a town he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to New York?"

Mr. Katz scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

I'm driving."

"Good! That's the quickest way."

A Customer and a Clerk

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer.

“No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said…

“That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled,

“Never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”

The clerk smiled and said, “Rain…”

A Yiddishe Mameh

A woman runs into a theatre in Israel, calling out " Is there a doctor in the house, doctor , doctor"

The play stops, the lights go on, and three men get up, each saying " I am a doctor - how can I help"

"Oy", answers the woman, .... " have I got a girl for you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why Is This Day Different?

Mr. Gates says all those who don’t speak Serbo-Croatian should leave. 498 people leave. Maurice says to himself, “I don’t speak Serbo-Croatian but what have I got to lose if I stay?”

Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says: “Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot.”

The other candidate answers: “Shebechol halelot anu ochlin chametz umatza.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just kidding

This exchange between a husband and wife happened last Wednesday.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hilarious."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

The husband, by the way, has been missing since Wednesday.

The Dream

A woman woke up one morning and told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”

Her husband replied, “You’ll know tonight!”

His wife was ecstatic. Her heart melted in romance as she anticipated her husband’s gift.

That evening the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Excited and delighted, she opened it and found inside a book entitled: “The Meaning of Dreams.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Grandparents Answering Machine:

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp ...

1. If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

2. If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.

3. If you want to borrow the car, press 3.

4. If you want us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4.

5. If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

6. If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

7. If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.

8. If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

9. If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theater, start talking … we are listening!

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Fundraising

A local shul had never received a donation from one of the wealthiest members of the community, so the rabbi made a phone-call. “Mr. Goldberg,” said the rabbi, “I see your business is doing very well and our records show that you’ve never donated to the synagogue. Would you like to change that?” the rabbi began. The wealthy man replied, “Well, if you did so much research on me did your research also show that my mother is ill with extremely expensive medical bills?” “Um, no,” mumbled the rabbi. “Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?” “I … I … I had no idea,” said the rabbi. “Well that’s the situation,” said the rich man, “and if I don’t give to any of them, why would I give to you?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Change

A man saw a friend across the road. He ran over and said:

“Mr. Jones! I’m so glad to see you!”

Then he said:

“What a change! You used to have a lot of hair, and now you are bald!

You used to be quite thin, and now you are fat!

You used to have good eyes, and now you wear glasses! What a change!”

The other man replied:

“But I’m not Mr. Jones.”

The first man looked surprised, and said:

“Why, you have even changed your name!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Barber and the Kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where is God ?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a Rabbi in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The Rabbi agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the grand rabbi in the afternoon.

The great rabbi, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is G‑d?”

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the Rabbi repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is G‑d!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the Rabbi raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS G-D!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. G‑d is missing - and they think WE did it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now

“Oy doctor, what should I do?” the man cried.

“Pay me now,” the doctor said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEWS

This woman calls her husband at work and says “I have good news and bad news…. So he says to her: “I’m really sorry dear, but I’m very busy at the moment; I don’t have much time to talk… Just give me the good news.”

“Well,” she says, “the air bags work!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Dentist

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Indian Weather Prediction

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied,

"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

Little Girl

As they sat down to eat that night the family paid no attention to her until they heard her pray. She was actually paraphrasing the famous Psalm chapter 23:

“I thank You, Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He Must Pay

Husband and wife had an argument. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Daily Regimen

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Psychiatrist

At psychiatrist:

- Do you consume alcohol?

- No.

- Do you smoke?

- No.

- Do you use drugs?

- No.

- Do you play cards?

- No.

- Do you run after other women?

- No.

- So why did you come to me?

- You see, doc, I have one little problem - I lie a lot...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Only One Speech

The CEO of a Fortune 500 company calls his speechwriter:

“Next week, I’m making the key presentation at our biggest meeting this year. It’s a crucial time for this company, and I need to address the themes, the vision, and the ideals of this firm. I need a killer speech from you. It needs to be dynamite!”

“No problem,” says the speech writer.

The CEO goes and takes an extended weekend golfing vacation, and that next Tuesday, after the meeting, the CEO calls up his writer in a fury.

“You’re fired!,” he yells at the writer.

“What?,” asks the shocked writer, “Why? What went wrong? I wrote a great speech!”

“Are you out of your mind? I specifically asked for a 20 minute speech, and it took me an hour to get through it: I lost the entire crowd before I was halfway through!”

“An hour?” asks the bewildered speechwriter. “It was definitely a twenty minute speech. Although,” he added, “I did send you three copies…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.

He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.

HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? "HELP!"

He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?"

"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"

"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"

"Yes, but who are you, and where are you?

"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."

"The Lord? You mean, G‑d?"

"That's Me."

"G‑d, please help me! I promise if, you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life."

"Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk."

"Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully."

"I'll do anything, G‑d. Just tell me what to do."

"Okay. Let go of the branch."

"What?" "I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go."

There was a long silence. Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott will tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tell the whole truth

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

The client replied that he did.

Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Flight Instructor
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' he responded, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Customer Focus

Rachel and her husband Max are in their local kosher restaurant. Even though Rachel always seems to find something to moan about in this deli restaurant, they still regularly go there because the food is good and it's frequented by many of their fellow seniors.

As usual, within minutes of taking their seats, Rachel starts to bother their waiter. "Waiter," she says, "please turn up the air conditioning. You know I can't stand a hot atmosphere."

But then, five minutes later, she asks the waiter to turn down the air conditioning because she is too cold. Soon after, she wants it turned up again because she's getting too hot. But then their food arrives on the table and Rachel is at last silent as she eats her meal.

Maurice, who is sitting near Rachel and Max's table, can't help but notice that at no time does the waiter show any anger - in fact he is surprisingly patient. So as the waiter walks past his table on his way back to the kitchen, Maurice calls him over and says quietly to him, "I can't understand why you don't just throw this customer out of the restaurant."

"Oh, we don't really mind," says the waiter, "because not only do we have a customer focus program in operation where the customer is always right, but also, this restaurant doesn't have any air conditioning."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Banquet

The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend.

He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed.

He began, "There is no clergyman present, let us thank G‑d."

Sales vs. Management

A passenger jet was going through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman

turned to a rabbi sitting next to her and, with a nervous laugh, asked,

“Rabbi, you’re a man of God, can’t you do something about this storm?”

To which he replied, “Lady, I’m in sales, not management.”

Three Psychiatrists

While attending a medical convention, three psychiatrists who lived in the same neighborhood—and were in strong competition with each other—take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Kidding Me?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $325,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, of course I am kidding, but you started the kidding around."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Flight Instructor

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' he responded, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big Decisions

You know the joke about how this Rabbi gave a man the best wedding advice: That his wife should be in charge of small decisions and he, the big ones.

After 30 years he came to the rabbi complaining: In 30 years, there have been no big decisions!

To which his wife responded: Of course there have been—and I allowed you to decide them all!

Like what? Asked the husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His Mother Pressured Him

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn`t believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to? His mother put on tremendous pressure.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The loan

Issy walks into a central London bank and says he's going to America for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.
Two weeks later to the day, Issy returns to the bank and repays the £5,000 plus interest of £9.41
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow £5,000?"
"Where else in central London could I park my car for two weeks for £9.41

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How is married life?" Greg asks his old buddy Mike.

"It's quite simple," Mike responds.

"When we got engaged, I did most of the talking and she did most of the listening. Later, when we married, she began doing all of the talking and I began doing all of the listening. Now, ten years later, we both do all of the talking and the neighbors do all of the listening."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rage Therapy

A man walks into a bar. He calmly orders a drink and proceeds to abruptly pick up his glass and hurl it at the shocked bartender.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence he begins apologizing profusely, pleading for forgiveness: “I am mortified, I suffer from uncontrollable rage, I am deeply ashamed of it, I don’t know what came over me, please forgive me for my embarrassing behavior.” The bartender graciously forgives him. However this happens nightly for a week straight, each outburst followed by sincere regret. Finally, the bar tender makes an ultimatum: “Either undergo intense anger-management therapy or do not ever enter this bar again.” The man consented.

A year later, he returns to the bar, a rehabilitated man. But lo and behold, he immediately takes his glass and heaves it at the bartender. “What are you doing?” the bartender thundered, “I thought you went to therapy!” “I did,” the man replied, “and now I am not embarrassed anymore.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?" (Henny Youngman)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)

Climbing the hotel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This woman is walking along and finds a magic lamp … She picked up the lantern, rubbed it, and, sure enough, a genie came out and granted her 3 wishes… The delighted woman said: “My wishes are as follows: I want my husband to have eyes only for me… I want to be the only one in my husband’s life!… And I would like that when my husband gets up in the morning, I’m the first thing he reaches for --- and he takes me with him wherever he goes!”…

So… The genie turned THE WOMAN into the i-Phone 7!...

________________________________________________________

Two Phases

In a military class the professor asked the students, "What is the difference between an engagement and a battle?"

No one in the group offered any answer. The professor was frustrated. “Didn’t anyone read the material in the book?” he thundered.

Finally, one guy said that he knew the answer.

"An engagement is the thing that came before marriage," he said, "while the battle is what followed it."

The Rabbi's Visit

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.

Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

The Rabbi found him in excellent health. So the Rabbi asked,

"How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered,

"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day.

But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.

So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to

remind Him!"

Wisdom of a Child

"I would like to speak to the Rabbi Dr.," the boy says. The rabbi gets on the line and asks how he can be of help. "Well rabbi, the boy says, I have a stomach ache and I was wondering what you suggest I do."

"Sorry son, I'm not a medical doctor," replies the rabbi.

"What type of doctor are you?" asks the boy. "I am a Dr. of Philosophy," was the response.

The child thought for a moment and then asked, "What type of sickness is that?"

The Farmer

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

The Fridge

Mr. Goldberg bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front garden and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”

For three months, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $200.’

The next day someone stole it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Education Anecdotes

Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

Louie: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”

Teacher: “Why are you late, Joseph?”

Joseph: “Because of a sign down the road.”

Teacher: “What does a sign have to do with you being late?”

Joseph: “The sign said, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow!'”

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A salesman knocks on the front door one evening. A man comes to the door. “Yes, how can I help you?” “I’m looking for the person who is the master of the house.? “Oh!” the man said, “Just stand by, we’re deciding on that issue right now.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Business versus pleasure

"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business travel deductions of $80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made 28 business trips to Israel, Italy, Switzerland, France, the US, Hawaii, and the Caribbean Islands. What are all these business trips about?"

"Oh," said Izzy, smiling. "I forgot to tell you that we also deliver!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They say what is the difference between a 20 year old, 40 year old and 60 year old?

A 20 year old is very self conscious. Who am I? Where do I fit in? What do they think of me?

A 40 year old says to himself: This is me, and I could not care less what they think of me and how they look at me. They don’t like what they see, tough luck on this, this who I am. Take it or leave it.

And then the 60 year old realizes that nobody was ever looking at him in the first place…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Date

A father once told me that his young son came to him and said, “Pa, I have a date Saturday night.”

“Good,” says the father. “Who’s going to stand in the way? A young man has a date, he has a date.”

“But I have problems,” says the son. “I ran out of my allowance. Maybe you could kind of, you know, advance me a little bit of next week’s allowance?”

“How much?”

“Well Pa, today you take out a girl, you need $200.”

Anyway, the father advances the son on his allowance. But it’s not enough. “Pa,” says the son, “today you can’t take a girl on the bus or the subway, and you can’t walk on the street... so can I borrow the car?”

“Sure. Take the car,” says the father.

“Pa, just one more thing. That new sports jacket you bought,” he says, “I spotted it and it’s a real beauty. Dad, I’ll look like a smash. Can I wear it?”

“Sure, sure take the sports jacket, take the car. Here’s $200.” And as the son is leaving, the father says to him, “Have a good time, son.”

And the kid turns around and says, “Pa, don’t tell me what to do."

_____________________________________________

Who's listening?
"How is married life?" Greg asks his old buddy Mike.

"It's quite simple," Mike responds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ignorance & Apathy

“What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?” a man asked his friend.

“I don’t know and I don’t care,” was his response.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know the line of the comedian: “A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Rabbi, a Minister and a Priest were gambling one night when the police raided the club.

The officer approaches the table in surprise and said, Father O’Reilly, were you gambling? The priest closes his eyes and offers a quick prayer. “Dear G‑d, I know lying is a mortal sin, but please tolerate it this one time.” He opens his eyes and clearly replies, No Officer, I was not gambling. The officer turns to the minister and says, Minister O’Neal, were you gambling? The minister murmurs a quiet prayer for forgiveness and replies firmly, “No Officer, I was not.”

The officer now turns to the Rabbi and demands, well then Rabbi, was it you that was gambling? The rabbi smiles sweetly and replies, “But Officer, with whom?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know the story of a woman sitting on a train in the subway when in comes a rich and handsome bloke and sits down right opposite her… She says: You look just like my third husband!... The guy is puzzled: Mam, how many times did you get married? She replies: Twice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This woman is walking along and finds a magic lamp… She rubs it and, sure enough, a genie comes out and grants her three wishes… So she says: “I want my husband to have eyes only for me……. I want to be the only one in my husband’s life… And #3: I want that when my husband gets up in the morning, I’m the first thing he reaches for, and he takes me with him wherever he goes…”

The genie turned THE WOMAN into the new i-Phone 7!...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whose Right?

Morris and Miriam, both a bit stubborn, were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," Miriam told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

Morris agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," Miriam said.

With a twinkle in his eye, Morris responded, "You're right!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know the anecdote:

On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Rebecca went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to the synagogue [Shul], to which he replied in a dull voice, 'I'm not going.'

'Why not?' Rebecca demanded.

'l'll give you two good reasons Mother,' he said. 'One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them.'

Rebecca replied in an exasperated voice, 'I'll give you two good reasons why you must go to the synagogue. 'One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the Rabbi.'

We all know how quick, cute and brilliant children are.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?

GLENN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEWLYWED COUPLE

The following morning, as they were checking out, the hotel manager asked: "So how was your stay?... How was the service?... Was everything ok - any issues?"...

The groom was suspicious. "Why are you asking me so many questions?"

"Well," said the manager, "the suite under you complained that the chandelier fell on them!"

TRUST!

One Saturday, the rabbi gets up to the pulpit and before opening his mouth, Yankel is already cranking it out.

The rabbi could not control himself... He shouts: “Yankel, I didn’t even start yet! How could I have possibly put you to sleep already?”

To which Yankel opened his eyes and replied, “Rabbi, — I trust you…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know the story of the grandmother who is walking along the shore with her small grandson and suddenly a strong wave of water lands up on shore and takes the little boy into the water and the grandmother becomes frantic and screams out to G‑d:

“G‑d if you would only bring back my grandson, I will do this and I will do that, God, please I will be a better person. I will light candles on Friday night, I’ll come to shule, I’ll give more charity, God, whatever you need, please return my grandson.”

And lo and behold a miracle occurs. In a few seconds she spots her grandson being thrown back by another tremendous wave onto the shore. He is coughing and gasping and she goes over to him making sure that he’s all right. Then she turns up the God and says “God, God thank you!

But just one thing – where is his hat?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The dentist told Melvyn that he needed a tooth removed right away. The dentist asked, "Do you want a local anesthetic?"

Melvyn shook his head and said, "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best—use imported."

_______________________________________________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On his way to work one morning, Max Goldstein arrives at Penn station a bit early… While waiting for his train, he notices a new machine on the platform – the latest in technology – with a sign stating that by inserting $5 in the machine, it can tell a whole lot about you… So he stands on the machine, puts in a $5 bill and the machine says, “You weigh 185 pounds and you are Jewish!”

Max can’t believe what he just heard… So he gets on it again and inserts another $5 bill… “You weigh 185 pounds, you’re and you’re waiting for the 7:35 am train to take you to your job at Chase Manhattan Bank downtown!”

Now he’s flabbergasted, but he’s also determined to beat the machine... He goes into the men’s room, ruffles up his hair, puts on a cap and pair of dark sunglasses, removes his tie, takes off his jacket and drapes it over his arm, buys a couple of books to add some heft and a sanitary mask to further disguise his looks… He then goes back to the platform, steps on the machine and puts in another $5…

The machine instantly says, “You’re still Jewish… You still weigh 185 pounds… And you’re also a shlimazel!… You just missed your train!”

______________________________________________________________

The Synagogue

The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the president to come over. The rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up."

The president replied, "You put him to sleep. YOU wake him up!"

______________________________________________________________

Thirsty

Four Europeans go hiking together and get terribly lost.

First they run out of food, then out of water.

“I’m so thirsty,” says the Englishman. “I must have tea!”

“I’m so thirsty,” says the Frenchman. “I must have wine.”

“I’m so thirsty,” says the German. “I must have beer.”

“I’m so thirsty,” says the Jew. “I must have diabetes.”

_________________________________________________________

I once read about Mayor Peter Flaherty of Pittsburgh PA and his wife Nancy. They were walking along a street that was under repair when one of the workers called out, “Hi Nancy”.

She looked at him a little quizzically, and he reminded her that they had dated back in High School. After they walked on the Mayor said to his wife: “Aren’t you glad you married me? You could have been the wife of a construction worker instead of the wife of a mayor.”

To which she replied: “You should be glad you married me; if you hadn’t, he would have been the Mayor of Pittsburgh”!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Jewish President

And it came to pass that a Jewish man was finally elected to be President of the United States of America, and shortly after he calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down to Washington DC to share the Passover Holliday.

She says, 'I'd like to, but it's so much trouble... I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd...'

He replies, 'Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab; I'll send a limo for you!'

To which his mother replies, 'I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble.'

He replies, 'Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One or another of my private jets for you.

To which she replies, 'Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble.'

He replies, 'Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger'

She answers, 'Yes, that's nice... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms...'

He answers, 'Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!'

She responds, 'Well... all right... I guess I'll come.'

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty.

Betty: 'Hello, Sylvia . . . so what's new?'

Sylvia: 'I'm visiting my son for Passover!'

Betty: 'The doctor?'

Sylvia: 'No . . . the other one.'

Jackie Mason joke, "I have enough money to live on for the rest of my life, as long as I never buy anything!"

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Children Are Quick

We all know how quick, cute and brilliant children are.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?

GLENN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

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Aisle Seat

I love to tell the story of the fellow who had an obsession about getting an aisle seat on his flight.

6 months before his flight he would ring up after he booked online and reserve an aisle seat…yes sir…you have an aisle seat 38c

Three months before he would ring up the airline again and confirm, yes sir you have aisle seat 38c…one month before he would ring up the airline again and confirm

Two weeks before he would ring up the airline again and confirm: Yes sir you have aisle seat 38c.

A week before he would ring up the airline again…

The day before he would drive to the airport and speak to the ticketing agent, yes sir you have aisle seat 38c.

On the day of his flight he comes hours before…to check that he has aisle seat 38c

He finally takes his trip…he arrives at his destination and his friend picks him up on the other side after he has landed.

His friend looks at him and he sees he is beside himself. The friend says ‘what’s the matter Herman, you look upset’….

He says ‘I look upset’…I look upset… 6 months ago I booked an aisle seat…3 months ago…a month ago …a week ago…yesterday…today… and when I got on the plane…what do you think…I DIDN’T have the aisle seat….

The friend, trying to be helpful says, if it was so important to you to have the aisle seat, why didn’t you ask the fellow in 38c to switch seats with you…

The fellow says: don’t you think I thought of that? There was no one sitting in that aisle seat!

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Chutzpah

We have a time-honored illustration of chutzpah. A Jewish grandmother, a bubbie, is sitting on the beach with her beloved grandson. Suddenly, a freak wave sweeps him out to sea. The ocean devours him. Distraught, the grandmother sinks to her knees, wailing, pleading with God to spare the child's life. Then, there is a celestial thunderclap and her prayers are answered. Another wave gathers the boy up from the depths and plonks him safely, miraculously, beside the old lady. She sees the boy and then turns her eyes heavenwards, and says: "Nu, he had a hat, too.”

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You know the classic Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

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The Dentist

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

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Business versus pleasure

"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business travel deductions of $80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made 28 business trips to Israel, Italy, Switzerland, France, the US, Hawaii, and the Caribbean Islands. What are all these business trips about?"

"Oh," said Izzy, smiling. "I forgot to tell you that we also deliver!

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The Worrier

Yankel always worried about everything all his life. But one day his coworkers noticed Yankel seemed like a changed man.

They remarked that he didn’t seem to be the least bit worried about anything. Yankel said he’d hired a professional worrier and no longer had any problems.

“A professional worrier?" they said. "What does that cost?”

“150 grand a year.”

"150,000 a year?! How on earth are you going to pay him? You are about to declare bankruptcy!"

"Well that’s why I hired him—let HIM worry about it."

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Ah Bisele Humor

Jewish Mom

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

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A child once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "What did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."

"How?"

The boy said, "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharaoh up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!"

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The Anesthesiologist

Bill received a bill from the hospital for his recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 charge for the anesthesiologist. He called his office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" he asked when he got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"Well," said Bill, "That's awfully costly for just knocking someone out!"

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The $900 is for bringing you back around."

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The Mehchanic

A car mechanic is called in after every other mechanic failed. He listens to the engine for a few minutes, then hauls off and gives it a big swift kick in a certain strategic spot. Lo and behold, the engine starts humming like a kitten. The mechanic turns around, gives the car owner his bill for $900. The owner of the vehicle is flabbergasted and demands an itemized breakdown AND EXPLANATION.

The bill says...

“$10 for my time, and $890 for knowing where to kick.”

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Lamp Post

There is a joke about a man crawling on his hands and knees around a lamp post, looking for something. A friend comes by and asks him what he is doing, and he replies, “I dropped my car keys and I can’t find them.”

The friend asks, “Well, did you drop them here under the lamp post?”

The man answers, “No, I dropped them down the street, but I am looking here because the light is much better.”

If you are searching for a physical item, you won’t find it unless you look where you lost it. But if you're looking for something spiritual, if you're looking for lost meaning in life, it makes sense to look where there is more light. Don’t focus on the darkness in your past but on a bright and better future.

**************************************************************

Who Pushed Me?

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the idiot who pushed me into the pool!"

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Trying To Be Impressive

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, making belief he was actually talking to someone. "I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you? Make sure to do this fast, as I am in a mad rush, as you can see from the endless telephone calls of clients."

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone.”

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Delivery Boy

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business.

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $600.00 a week, sir. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $6,000 in cash and screams, "Here's ten week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back! No room in this company for people just leaning against walls. Out of there!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's. He was waiting for his tip."

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Baggage

Rabbi Rabinovitz is going on holiday to Israel. He arrives at Heathrow Airport and goes to have his luggage checked in.

"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" asks the girl at the check-in desk.

Rabbi Rabinovitz replies, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"

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Football

"I used to be so self-conscious" the comedian says, "that every time I saw football players huddle... I was sure they were talking about me!"

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The Worrier

Sam always worried about everything in life. One day, his coworkers noticed that Sam seems like a changed man.

They remarked that he didn't seem to be the least bit worried about anything. Sam replied that he'd hired a professional worrier and no longer had any problems.

" A professional worrier?" the asked. "What does that cost?"

"150 grand per year."

"$150,000 a year? How on earth are young to pay him? You are about to declare bankrupcy!"

"Well, that's why I hired him - let him worry about how I will pay him!"

Rather than spending $150,000 on a professional worrier, we've got a $15 solution. Click here to RSVP

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My friend came to the airport to check in for his flight. “How many pieces of luggage would you like to check in,”? The woman behind the counter asked.

“Three,” he said. “One should be sent to Tel Aviv. The other one — to Chicago; and the third one — to London.”

“I am sorry,” she said. “We cannot do that.”

“That’s surprising,” the man said. “Last time I flew, you did exactly that, without even asking me!”

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What Do You See?

Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert. After roaming all day long under the hot sun, they set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, John woke up his friend.

"Jack, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Jack looked up and replied, "I can see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked John.

Jack thought for a minute and said.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

After a moment of silence, John spoke.

"It tells two things to me. First is that...you are an idiot."

Jack looked at John, surprised. "Why do you say so?" he said.

"Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent," replied John.

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The Banquet

The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend.

He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed.

He began, "There is no clergyman present, let us thank G‑d."

Change

Moshe calls his old buddy David. He gets an answering machine message:

“You have reached my voice mail. Please leave a message after the tone. I decided to rethink my entire life, my priorities, and make many changes in my life. If you do hear back from me, you are one of the changes.”

________

Trapped in the Library

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply.

"And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

Dishonesty

A beggar told Rothschild that since the orchestra had been dismantled all he had was bad luck.

"What instrument did you play,"? Asks Rothschild.

"The bassoon," was the answer."

"Wow that's my favorite," declared Rothschild. "Here is my bassoon, play something for me."

"I told you all I have is bad luck," replies the poor man.

"What do you mean,"? Asks Rothschild.

"Well, from all the hundreds of instruments I had to pick the one you own."

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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs. "The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....",as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land!! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?...do you understand!!"The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs:

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!”

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Elizabeth

He then points the riffle at her husband’s head. “What is your name?” thunders the gunman. The poor man is terror-struck. He knows that his answer will equal life or death, and pauses to think.

“If you don’t want your brains blown out, tell me your name right now!” the gunman shouts.

“My name is Harry,” the horrified man replies, “but they call me Elizabeth.”

Shuttle Diplomacy

Henry Kissinger, the longtime Jewish US Secretary of State and one of the most famous diplomats of the 20^th century, was once asked what it means to be a diplomat. What is the art of diplomacy? Particularly his own unique invention of “shuttle diplomacy.”

“Oh, it’s very simple,” says Kissinger. “Let’s say you want to use shuttle diplomacy to marry Rockefeller’s daughter to a simple peasant from a Siberian village.”

“That’s impossible!” cries the journalist. “How would you do that?”

“Very simple. I’m going to a Siberian village, I find a simple peasant and ask: Do you want to marry an American lady?

He says: ‘Why? We have great girls here!’

And I say: ‘Yes, but she is Rockefeller’s daughter! Rockefeller is a billionaire.’

He goes: ‘Oh! This changes everything.’

Then I go to Switzerland to a bank board meeting. I ask them: ‘Do you want a Siberian peasant to be your bank President?’

And the bank people say: ‘Of course not! We need a sophisticated, cultural man.’

‘But what if he is Rockefeller’s son-in-law?’

‘Oh! That changes everything!’

After this I go to Rockefeller and ask: ‘Would you like your daughter to marry a Russian peasant?’

‘What? says Rockefeller. ‘Are you out of your mind?’

So I go: ‘But what if he is a president of a Swiss bank?’

’Oh! This changes everything!

Susie! Come here, Mr. Kissinger has found a good fiancé for you. He’s a president of a Swiss bank!’

‘Pooh!’ says Susie dismissively. ‘Why would I want to marry a banker? They’re arrogant, cold, out of touch with reality, and care only about money. I’m sick of bankers!’

I say: ‘No, no! That may be, but this particular one is an earthy, rugged, Siberian peasant!’

‘Oh!’ says Susie. ‘That changes everything!’

And they get engaged, “mazal tov!”
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The Special Milk

The old scholarly rabbi, a man of great wisdom and erudition, was dying. His son's gathered around his bed, trying to make his last journey comfortable.

They gave him some warm milk to drink but he refused.

One of his son's took the glass back to the kitchen. He had come from Colorado, where marijuana is legal.

He opened a vial of cannabis oil, and mixed a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at the rabbis bed he held the cup to his father's lips.

The rabbi drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it he finished the whole glass.

"Father" said the eldest son, "please share some wisdom with us before you go. Give us some perspective and advice.”

The rabbi raised himself up in bed. A sage look came over his face, And then he said, "DO NOT SELL THAT COW."

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WHAT WOULD YOU DO!

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.

"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.

"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and reach out to those that have not yet been inspired by the bible and bring meaning into their lives." one gentleman said.

"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my synagogue, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."

Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.

"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would make the last four weeks of my life feel like an eternity

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Aisle Seat

I love to tell the story of the fellow from Switzerland who had an obsession about getting an aisle seat on his flight.

6 months before his flight he would ring up after he booked online and reserve an aisle seat…yes sir…you have an aisle seat 38c

Three months before he would ring up the airline again and confirm, yes sir you have aisle seat 38c…one month before he would ring up the airline again and confirm

Two weeks before he would ring up the airline again and confirm: Yes sir you have aisle seat 38c.

A week before he would ring up the airline again…

The day before he would drive to the airport and speak to the ticketing agent, yes sir you have aisle seat 38c.

On the day of his flight he comes hours before…to check that he has aisle seat 38c

He finally takes his trip…he arrives at his destination and his friend picks him up on the other side after he has landed.

His friend looks at him and he sees he is beside himself. The friend says ‘what’s the matter Herman, you look upset’….

The friend, trying to be helpful says, if it was so important to you to have the aisle seat, why didn’t you ask the fellow in 38c to switch seats with you…

The fellow says: don’t you think I thought of that? There was no one sitting in that aisle seat!

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Change:

It reminds me of this man who dials a friend and gets through to his answering machine… The recording goes as follows:

“Sorry I’m not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I’m currently making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the tone. If I don’t return your call, you are one of those changes”.

Long Speech!

The Rabbi, who had visions of being on national television and becoming rich and famous immediately said: “Yes! I could do that.”
“Nu”, said the TV producer: “Then why didn’t you?”

Warning! Dear Chabad Naples family: Rabbi Fishel has no aspirations for TV fame and glory:)

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Moving Furniture

Rivkah gets into work late one Monday morning and goes to see her boss to apologize.

"I'm sorry I'm late, but I had to move some furniture this morning before I came into work. In fact my back is killing me after my efforts."

"So why didn't you wait until your husband gets home tonight?" asks her boss.

"I could have," says Rivkah, "but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

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Denial of an alcoholic
A man came to a bar on a nightly basis, ordering two glasses of Crown Royal. When the bartender asked him why he never changed his order, the man explained that he had a friend with whom he drank a nightly glass of Crown Royal for many years.

"My friend was drafted and died in Korea," the man sighed, "and I decided to immortalize him by drinking two glasses of Crown Royal every night. One glass I drink for him; the other for myself."

One night, after thirty years, the man entered the bar and ordered a single glass of Crown Royal.

"What happened?" asked the bartender.

"Oh," the man responded, "I quit drinking."

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The Tent

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

Life Support

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room. He says to her: “Just so you know… I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV

Worrying

A young man, fresh out of business school, answered a want-ad for an accountant. He was interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business:

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars a year. We will give you a 50,000 raise each year.”"

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford to pay me a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry.

Sam Levinson, the famous Jewish comedian told this story: When his parents were immigrants, escaping the prejudice of war-torn Europe, they fell under the spell of the American dream that the streets were paved with gold.

“When pop got here, he found three things: First, the streets weren't paved with gold… Second, the streets were not even paved. And third, he was supposed to do the paving.”

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A Mother’s Pressure

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn`t believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to? His mother put on tremendous pressure.”

Confused

A Chelmer is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time.

The man looking at his watch, helpfully responds, "why, certainly! The time is four o'clock."

The Chelmer scratches his head and says, "You know, it's really weird. I've been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer"

Five Mothers

Four Catholic mothers and a Jewish woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father’.”

The second Catholic mother chirps, 'My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace’.

The third Catholic mon says, 'My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says Your Eminence’.

The fourth Catholic woman chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness’.

They all turn to the Jewish woman, and give her a subtle, 'Well?'

She replies: I have a son. He’s argumentative, confrontational, self-centered, impossible and irrational. When he walks into a room, people say, Oh My G‑d!’

MASTER OF THE HOUSE

A solicitor for the Red Cross called upon a well-to-do young couple for a donation. Hearing a commotion inside he knocked extra-loudly on the door. A somewhat disheveled man admitted him in. “What can I do for you?” he growled, clearly upset about something. “I would like to speak to the master of the house,” said the solicitor politely. “Then you’re just in time,” barked the young man. “My wife and I are settling that very question right now!”

The Headache
Sadie goes to see her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."-

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The Worrier

Yankel always worried about everything all his life. But one day his coworkers noticed Yankel seemed like a changed man.

They remarked that he didn’t seem to be the least bit worried about anything. Yankel said he’d hired a professional worrier and no longer had any problems.

“A professional worrier?" they said. "What does that cost?”

“150 grand a year.”

"150,000 a year?! How on earth are you going to pay him? You are about to declare bankruptcy!"

"Well that’s why I hired him—let HIM worry about it."

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What . .. . .. . You're coming empty handed?"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

“When pop got here, he found three things: First, the streets weren't paved with gold… Second, the streets were not even paved. And third, he was supposed to do the paving.”

___________________________________________________________________________________________

There was a guy from IBM who made a fatal error that cost the company 12 million dollars. He was called into the inner chambers of the CEO. Before he was able to rebuke the poor fellow, the guy speaks up and says: I know, I have done something so wrong, I am sure you are going to fire me…

To which the CEO bellowed: “Fire you? We just spent 12 million dollars educating you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

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Kids are quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?

GLENN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

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The New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1200 in cash and screams, "Here's a month's, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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Four Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never believe I had triplets."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.

The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

“Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought….. I work at the 7-11 Store."

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The Truth, the Whole Truth and…

Harry gets stopped by a police car. When the police officer gets to his car, Harry says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 65 in a 50mph zone.
Harry: No sir, I was going 50.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going 70.
Harry gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a ticket for your broken brake light.
Harry: Broken brake light? I didn't know about a broken brake light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that brake light for months.
Harry gives his wife a really dirty look.
Officer: I am also going to book you for not wearing your seat belt.
Harry: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Harry turns to his wife and yells, "Shut your mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and says, "Madam, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk…"

Oscar Wilde's Wit

A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech. He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, 'How would you have delivered that speech?' Under an assumed name', came the reply from Oscar Wilde.

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Your Money or Your Life

Jack Benny, the well-known American entertainer from long ago, used to joke self- deprecatingly about his frugality. Once, he told of walking down a New York street late at night when he suddenly felt cold, hard metal pointing into his back and a gruff voice barked, "Your money or your life!" When he didn't immediately respond, the gun at his back pressed deeper into his flesh and the voice from behind became more menacing, "Your money or your life!" Benny replied, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking."

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Flying Fun

At the airline check in at London Heathrow, Guy has three bags. He puts them down and says to the young lady, "I'd like you to send this one to Los Angeles, that one to Hong Kong and the last one to Durban."

Her face shows signs of confusion before her training takes over and she says, "I'm afraid we can't do that, sir."

"Why not?" demands Guy, "you did the last time I flew with you."

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Business Turnaround

Sam meets his friend Moshe in Brent Cross shopping center. "Hi Moshe, I haven't seen you for some months. So nu? How is the Company doing that you set up with Maurice last year?"

"Well, as I told you then, I put up the money and Maurice put in his business knowledge. But things have changed a bit since then."

"What do you mean?" Sam asks.

"Now Maurice has the money and I have the business experience."

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Locked out

As soon as he shoves the wire through the slightly open window, his wife Sadie starts telling him what to do.

"Moishe, move it more to the right...now more to the left...Higher! Lower!"

Finally, Sadie says, "What's taking you so long, Moishe?"

Moishe replies, "Sadie, it's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"

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Irritation, Aggravation, and Misery

A boy asks his father to explain the differences between irritation, aggravation, and misery.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.

"No—there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's ‘misery’?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"

Nostalgia

As a Jew once told his child: “Ah! Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.”

Another Jew once remarked: “I've started a band called 'Nostalgia'. If we don't make it, at least people will remember us fondly.”

A man once said:

“My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with nostalgia.

“It reminded me of when my first wife left me.”

The Date

A boy takes a girl on a date, and for the first two hours he doesn't stop talking, and the subject is himself.

Finally, he pauses. "Okay. I've spoken enough, now it's your turn," he tells the girl....

"So, what do you think about me?"

Sales vs. Management

A passenger jet was going through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers

were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman

turned to a rabbi sitting next to her and, with a nervous laugh, asked,

“Rabbi, you’re a man of God, can’t you do something about this storm?”

To which he replied, “Lady, I’m in sales, not management

THE DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH

A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A farmer and his wife were sitting on a couch when a tornado came and swept them out of the

house. There they were, flying through the air together on the couch, when the wife began to cry.

The farmer said to her, “This is no time to cry! We need to think of ways to land safely!”

She replied, “I can't help it! I'm so happy because this is the first time we've been out together in twenty years.”

WORRY!

A young man, fresh out of business school, answered a want-ad for an accountant. He was interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business:

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars a year. We will give you a 50,000 raise each year.”"

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford to pay me a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry.”

Dad’s Instructions

A bar-mitzvah boy once began his speech:

Before I begin, I want you all to know that dad has instructed me: not to be witty; not to be humorous; and not to be intellectual.

He said, “Just be yourself.”

An Italian a Frenchmen and a Jew were sentenced to death
for crimes committed.
They were entitled to a last meal of choice before death.
The Italian requested his last meal be Pasta Primervera.
The executioners take him outside after his last meal and
they shoot him.
The Frenchmen requested a Filet Mignon.
The executioners take him outside after his last meal and
shoot him.
The Jew requests Strawberries as his last meal and the
executioner said, "are you crazy, they're out of season!"
The Jew says, "I'll Wait!!"

PHILANTHROPY

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"
"A check," replied the guide.

The Boat

A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side:

"For Sale.

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Newlywed couple!

This newlywed couple checked into a suite at the Watergate Hotel in Washington for their honeymoon… The bride was worried that the place might still be bugged, so she asked her husband to search the room thoroughly… He looked behind the curtains, under the bed, in the closets, and finally under the rug… And there, beneath the rug, he found a mysterious disc with four screws… Using his Swiss army knife, he undid the screws and threw the disc out the window!…

The following morning, as they were checking out, the hotel manager asked: “So how was your stay?... How was the service?... Was everything ok – any issues?”...

The groom was suspicious. “Why are you asking me so many questions?”

“Well,” said the manager, “the suite under you complained that the chandelier fell on them!”

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You know the anecdote:

Man: "Hello?"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

He - "Yes."

She: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw 7 beautiful pairs of shoes. They are absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy them?"

H - "What's the price?"

S - "Only $2,500.00. all together"

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

S: "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2015 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H: "What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $60,000..."

H: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

S - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H - "What?"

S - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

S - "Only $1,450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $1,200,000. OK?"

S - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - "Bye...I love u too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

YOU'RE RIGHT!

You know the old story of the couple who comes to the rabbi for marriage counselling. First the husband tells the rabbi all his complaints about his wife and the rabbi listens attentively and then pronounces “You’re right.”

Then the wife pours out her tale of woe about her husband and, again, the rabbi listens very sympathetically and then says, “You’re right.”

Whereupon the Rebbetzin rushes into the room screaming, “How can they both be right?!’

And the rabbi smiles and says, “You’re right too!”

And you know what I say? The rabbi was right too!

Long Speech!

The Rabbi, who had visions of being on national television and becoming rich and famous immediately said: “Yes! I could do that.”
“Nu”, said the TV producer: “Then why didn’t you?”

Warning! Dear Chabad Naples family: Rabbi Fishel has no aspirations for TV fame and glory:)

TRUST!

One Saturday, the rabbi gets up to the pulpit and before opening his mouth, Yankel is already cranking it out.

The rabbi could not control himself... He shouts: “Yankel, I didn’t even start yet! How could I have possibly put you to sleep already?”

To which Yankel opened his eyes and replied, “Rabbi, — I trust you…”

It Started

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks annoyed, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore ..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

Science - Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".

"You must be a rabbi," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Air Conditioner

As we have all done at some time, Moishe locks himself out of his car on a hot summer day. But he manages to find a wire coat hanger in a nearby dustbin and goes back to his car to try to open the lock.

As soon as he shoves the wire through the slightly open window, his wife Sadie starts telling him what to do.

"Moishe, move it more to the right...now more to the left...Higher! Lower!"

Finally, Sadie says, "What's taking you so long, Moishe?"

Moishe replies, "Sadie, it's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"

Food!

There's an old joke - two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions."

The Old Man

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A King In America?

The KGB officer knocked three times, "does comrade Kapolsky live here?"

"No!" came the stern reply from behind the tightly closed door.

The officer shrugged and walked away only to return half an hour later. He knocked three times again, this time harder.

"Are you sure Kapolsky doesn't live here?"

"Very sure!" came the immediate answer.

"What's your name?" the officer questioned.

"Kapolsky."

"I thought you said Kapolsky doesn't live here?"

Kapolsky replied, "You call this living?"

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Life of the Party

The couple was leaving the cocktail party where the husband, quite tipsy, has been the life of the party, trying to entertain the guests with jokes, stories, and his personality.

As they are leaving, his wife turns to him: “John,” his wife says, “had anyone ever told you, that you are hilarious, brilliant, charming, cute, engaging and attractive?”

“No!” he responds. “No one ever told that to me in my life,” he says to her, looking at her with tremendous affection and vulnerability. “I do not think I ever heard such words in my life. This is the first time…”

“Well then,” she snapped, “where in the world did you ever get such an idea?

_______________________________________________________

A man quipped: When we were engaged, I was doing all of the talking; she was doing all of the listening. When we married, she began doing all of the talking and I was doing all of the listening. Now, ten years later, we both do all of the talking and the neighbors do all of the listening!

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Big Decisions

You know the joke about how this Rabbi gave a man the best wedding advice: That his wife should be in charge of small decisions and he, the big ones.

After 30 years he came to the rabbi complaining: In 30 years, there have been no big decisions!

To which his wife responded: Of course there have been—and I allowed you to decide them all!
Like what? Asked the husband.Like what? I will tell you: a big decision is what to do about Global Warming, conflict in Iraq, the situation in Iran… that you decide, my dear, and I do not mix in. Small decisions are—where we live, where we send our kids to school, which synagogue we attend, what type of house we buy!

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BEER

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Trying To Be Impressive

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you? Make sure to do this fast, as I am in a mad rush, as you can see from the endless telephone calls of clients."

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone

The Fridge
Mr. Goldberg bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front garden and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”
For three months, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $200.’
The next day someone stole it.

Children Are Quick

We all know how quick, cute and brilliant children are.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?

GLENN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

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Oy Vey

Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach.

The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..."

The second lady nods, sighs and says, "Oy vey!"

The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!"

The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's

get back to the game."

A Customer, a Clerk and the Store Manager

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer.

“No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said…

“That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled,

“Never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”

The clerk smiled and said, “Rain…”

Care

“If you think no one cares you're alive, miss a couple of house payments.”

Marriage

[A man quipped:] When we were engaged, I was doing all of the talking; she was doing all of the listening. When we married, she began doing all of the talking and I was doing all of the listening. Now, ten years later, we both do all of the talking and the neighbors do all of the listening!

The principle

A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?"
"You have discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?"
"People like to discuss things they know nothing about."

The Boat

A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side:

"For Sale.

JOKES!~

A joke is told about a newlywed couple, who some months after the wedding the wife turns to her husband saying "Darling, I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband runs to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes… As he is hugging her she says, "I'm so glad that you feel this way about my mother moving in with us"…

Getting Into Paradise

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for the angel Michael to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”
When the angel Michael came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” the angel said. “Which word?” the woman asked. “Love.” The woman correctly spelled “Love” and the angel welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Michael the angel came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse whom you never liked; and then I won the 250 million dollar lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion, a private jet, a yacht, and a summer home in the Riviera. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!
“Now, how do I get in to this beautiful paradise? I am starving…”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
“Czechoslovakia,” she said.

Begin worrying. Details to follow."

You know the classic Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

Expensive

Dr. Levine, the great specialist, had just finished examining Nathan the schnorrer.

“What is the cost” asked Nathan?!

“Twenty five dollars,”

“Twenty five dollars”! It’s too much! I aint got it!

“Too much? All right fifteen dollars.

“Fifteen Dollars, that’s out of the question!”

“Out of the question? Alright! Make it five dollars!”

“Five Dollars”! Who has five dollars? I’m a poor man!”

The Dr. had enough. “ If five dollars is too much, how much do you have?

“I have nothing!”

The Dr. was now very angry. “If you have nothing, how do you have the audacity to come so expensive a specialist as myself for treatment”?

“For my health”! Shouted Nathan the shnorrer, beating his breast with the strength of the righteous, “nothing is too expensive!”

The Synagogue

The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the president to come over. The rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up."

The president replied, "You put him to sleep. YOU wake him up!"

I'll buy you another one."

Back in the 1930s and 1940s, Sid Luckman was the famed quarterback of the Chicago Bears. His father, an immigrant tailor, did not get many chances to see his son play. Luckman made sure they were there for one important game against the New York Giants. The game was going well.

Then, in one play, Luckman got the ball just as his teammates were falling by the wayside. Luckman was left alone to fight off the opposing teams' formidable linemen. As he dodged huge bodies hurtling towards him, he heard his father's anxious voice above the crowd yelling, "Sidney, let them have the ball. I'll buy you another one."

Lines in Heaven

A reporter went to heaven and saw two long lines. Over one line was a sign which read "For Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives." The other line had a sign over the doorway which read, "For Men Who Dominated Their Wives," but there was only one man in that line.
Being a reporter, he went up to the man all by himself and said, "Sir, could you tell me why you're the only man in this line for "Men Who Dominated Their Wives?"
"Sure," the other man responded, "my wife told me to stand here."

The Inside and the Outside

A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills, California. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors (a mezuzah is usually a small wooden box containing within it a few sections of the Bible, that is put up on the doorposts of Jewish homes).

He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms.
When he comes back a few hours later he sees that the job has been carried out to his satisfaction. He is so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus. As the decorator is leaving he says, "By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!

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Irritation, Aggravation, and Frustration

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"

"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.

"No—there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"

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LOVE!

A guy came to a rabbi, and said “please save my marriage.”

The rabbi asked what happened? And the man said: “I was honest.

“I was out for a drink with the wife last night. I finished two bottles of wine. And I said, ‘I love you.’

“‘She asked me, ‘Is that you talking, or the wine talking?’

“I said, ‘It's me........I'm talking to the wine!’

A Tale of Four Doctors

These four psychiatrists meet at a bar one night after work. They have been competing with each other for many years now, in the same community. But they do have cordial relations and now they are drinking. After a few drinks, they begin unwinding from a long, hard day at the office dealing with people’s problems and all the social ills of society.

The alcohol takes its effects. One Doctor suggests they all open up and be absolutely honest with each other. “Let’s share among ourselves our own problems, troubles and demons. After all, we are alone, on our own with no patients around. Everything will be said in total confidence. And we can use some true honest conversation and disclosure.”

So the first one opens up and says “Well, if we are being absolutely honest with each other, I must admit that I’ve been inflating my patients’ accounts. They don’t know the difference and the medical insurance pays me.”

And the second psychiatrist says, “Well, if honesty and frankness are the order of the day, I confess that I have taken advantage of some of my more dependent female patients when they are lying there, vulnerable, on the couch.”

Whereupon the third Shrink says, “Well, gentlemen, it is so hard for me to say, but I am a compulsive narcissist, and I manipulate my patients to fill the needs I need from them. I have been doing this for 35 years. They are all pawns for me to fill my desires and voids.”

The fourth doctor says:
You’re not going to be happy to hear this, but as we are all being completely honest and baring our souls, I must share with you my demon:

“I simply cannot keep a secret!”

Two Perspectives

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping together, they put up a tent and go inside to enjoy a tranquil rest near the fire. In middle of the night, Sherlock turns to Dr. Watson and says, "So what are you thinking about now"?

Watson responds: "Sherlock! This is awesome. I'm gazing at the celestial stars hovering above us, I'm overwhelmed by the romantic splendor of the night, and I'm engulfed by the picturesque view of the double Decker.

"And what are you thinking about"? asks Watson.

"That someone stole our tent," Sherlock replies.

Turkey!

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and ruder. Jon, in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard.

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued... "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Lesson of the anecdote: When we punish or penalize a child or a student we may sometimes do something which in our eyes is small and insignificant, yet in their eyes it may be extremely scary and frightening, thus the impact being heavily exaggerated.

We must exercise extreme caution in choosing the methods of punishment.

My Last Hour!

My last hour of life, I want to be in your class," said a student to his professor.

"But why?" asked the professor.

"Because an hour with you, professor, feels like an eternity."

Traveling!

My friend came to the airport to check in for his flight. “How many pieces of luggage would you like to check in,”? The woman behind the counter asked.

“Three,” he said. “One should be sent to Tel Aviv. The other one — to Chicago; and the third one — to London.”

“I am sorry,” she said. “We cannot do that.”

“That’s surprising,” the man said. “Last time I flew, you did exactly that, without even asking me!”

Career mapping

Abe and his young son Sam are in shul one shabbes morning when Sam says,
"When I grow up, dad, I want to be a Rabbi."

"That's OK with me, Sam, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," says Sam, "as I have to go to shul on shabbes anyway, I figure it will be more fun to stand up and shout than to sit down and listen."

The art of listening

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Pharmacy

One day a boy walked into a pharmacy and asked to use the phone. He dialed a number and said,

“Mr. Brown, do you need a boy to mow your lawn and do your gardening?”

He listened, and then said, “Oh, you have a boy. Well, is he good? Oh, he is. Thank you.”

When the kid hung up, the pharmacist said, “Sorry you didn't get the job, son.”

“Oh, no, sir,” said the boy. “I've got the job.”

The pharmacist said, “But weren't you just on the phone asking for work?”

“No sir,” The boy answered, “I work for Mr. Brown. I was just checking up on myself!”

Three Doctors

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Looks like his mother!

Every time a young man brought home a prospective wife, his mother would criticize her terribly.

The girl was never good enough, the mother always found many character flaws. Finally, the young man asked his psychology professor for advice. The professor said, “Find someone like your mother, then you’ll see a different kind of response.

So he spent months searching, finally he found someone like his mother. She looked like his mother, had the same mannerisms as her— a virtual clone — He took her home.

The next week the professor sees the young man and asks how it went with his mother?

“It was great,” the young man replied, “my mother loved her, but my father couldn’t stand her!”

Children's Wisdom

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks he's stupid, please stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help the poor child. "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked. "Why do you feel so my dear child"?

"No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Jewish Grandmother

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."

Jewish Lottery Wish

This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!"

He doesn't win the lottery.

The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!"

Once again, he doesn't win.

The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"
He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"
The voice from above responds with, "Buy a ticket!"

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NEWLYWED COUPLE!

The following morning, as they were checking out, the hotel manager asked: “So how was your stay?... How was the service?... Was everything ok - any issues?”...

The groom was suspicious. “Why are you asking me so many questions?”

“Well,” said the manager, “the suite under you complained that the chandelier fell on them!”

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Three Psychiatrists

While attending a medical convention, three psychiatrists who lived in the same neighborhood-and were in strong competition with each other-take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

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Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.”

The photographer went first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him off.

Last, but not least, it was the editor’s turn. “And what would your wish to be?” asked the genie.

“I want them both back after lunch,” replied the editor, “the deadline for tomorrow’s newspaper is in ten hours.”

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"Oy," says Issy, "I’m not a wealthy man, Doctor. Couldn’t you make it less?"
"Well ... I could do it for $850," replies Dr Myers.
"It’s still more than I can afford, Doctor," says Issy. "I’ve got 3 children and a wife to support."
"OK," says Dr Myers, "how about $700?"
"It’s still too high, Dr," says Issy. "My business is doing terrible and my wife has told her mother that she can live with us."
"Alright already," says Dr Myers, "I’ll do it for $600 and not a penny less."
"Thanks doctor, I can do that," says Issy.
"Good," says Dr Myers, "but tell me - why did you come to me to seek treatment when you know I’m the most expensive doctor in this area?"
"Well," replies Issy, "you’ve got a marvellous reputation and when it comes to my health, money is no object!"

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