The Boss
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
Fishing
An old man walked out onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day. He drilled a hole in the ice, sat on his bucket, put his fishing line in the water and eagerly waited for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost five hours without even a nibble when a young boy walked out, drilled a hole in the ice and sat on his bucket not far from the old man. It only took about one minute and BAM! A huge walleye bit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it and figured it was just luck. Yet, the boy put his fish line in again and within just two minutes he pulled in another huge walleye!
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't stand it any more. He hadn't caught a fish all day. He went to the boy and said, "Boy, I've been here nearly all day without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught TEN huge fish! How do you do it?"
The boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm."
"What," asked the old man?
Again the boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm."
Freezing and impatient the old man yelled "Look, I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy took off his gloves, spit a clump of stuff into his hands and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!!"
Whats Your Name
One day Mrs. Kvetch, was looking after her six-year-old when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.
When she went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead.
It read: "My name is Daniel."
The Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted his cardiologist - Dr. Simon Goldstein in his shop. Dr. Goldstein was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
Goldstein, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new."
"So how come I make such a small salary - and you get the really big bucks? You and I are doing basically the same work!"
Dr. Goldstein paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, ''Try doing it with the engine running."
The Stop
A police officer stops Yankel for speeding & reckless driving and asks him very nicely if he could see his license.
Yankel replied in a huff, "I vish you guys could get your act togeder. Just yesterday you take avay my license and now today you expect me to show it to you."
The Stone
Becky's husband dies. It was not until sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and handed me 3 envelopes."
"Becky," he told me, "I have put all my last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace."
"What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends asked.
"It contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany coffin for him."
"The 2nd envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including some fine malt whisky."
"And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends.
"The 3rd envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'. So I did."
Becky then held up her hand and pointed to her 5 carat diamond ring. "So," said Becky, "You like my stone?"
Make me a Cohen, please
Manny approached the Rabbi of his Synagogue and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible.
Manny offers the Synagogue 10,000, but the Rabbi won't budge. He offers 50,000...then 75,000. Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the Rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen.
Manny answers, "Rabbi, my grandfather was a Cohen; my father was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen too!"
Pa won't like it
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to.
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset. "Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?
"Under the wagon!"
If you knew what I have
Hetty, a little old lady, gets onto a crowded bus in the middle of a heat-wave and stands in front of a seated young girl.
Holding her hand to her mouth, Hetty says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
The girl gets up and gives up the seat to Hetty.
The girl then takes out a fan and starts to fan herself. Hetty looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan."
The girl gives Hetty her fan.
A short while later, Hetty gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."
The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next bus stop, not in the middle of the road.
Hetty tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me out here."
The bus driver pulls over and lets Hetty out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it that you have?"
"Chutzpah," Hetty replies.
Finacial Advice
A poor man managed to get an appointment with a wealthy Jewish philanthropist by insisting that he had a foolproof way for the man to make 5 million dollars.
"So let me hear your great idea," said the philanthropist.
"It's very simple," replied the pauper. "I understand that when your daughter gets married you're planning on giving her a dowry of 10 million dollars."
"Nu," said the philanthropist.
"So, I've come to tell you that I'm willing marry her for half the amount!"
Advice from Moses
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Heaven is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Heaven is watching you."
Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot."Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are, anyway?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler 'Heaven'!"
All in a Mom's day
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
The Lesson
Little Ernie is doing his homework one evening and has a problem.
"Dad," he says, "what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
"Well, son," says his father, "I will give you a practical demonstration."
His dad then goes to the phone and dials a random number.
"Hello," comes a voice at the other end.
"Hello," says Ernie's father. "Is Melvin there?"
"There is no one called Melvin here!" comes the reply. "Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"You see?" says Ernie's father. "That man was not at all happy with our call. But watch this!"
He then dials the same number again, and says, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
"Now look here!" comes the angry reply. "I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!" And then he slams down the receiver.
"Did you hear that?" asks Ernie's father. "That was anger. Now, I will show you what exasperation is!"
He picks up the phone and dials the same number again, and when a violent voice shouts, "HELLO!"
Ernie's father says, "Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
The Four Questions
The Hebrew School lesson had just finished and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions...
Little David quickly raised his hand. "Yes, David? What question would you like to ask?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi: Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Canannites and fought the Amalekites and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi.. WHAT WERE THE GROWN-UPS DOING ALL THIS TIME?!"
The package
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?"
Morris, the Samurai
There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."
Hebrew School
A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"
He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."
"How?"
The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."
The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"
The boy replied, "No. But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell us!"
Use of arms
Hymie is walking along the Avenue carrying a large, heavy watermelon when he sees his friend Abe coming towards him.
"Hi Abe." says Hymie, "Nu? How are you?"
"Oy vay," says Abe, throwing his arms up in the air, "Don't ask! But tell me, how are you?"
"Me?" says Hymie, "You ask how I am? You want I drop my watermelon?"
The Swap
After being married for over 60 years, Rivkah is filing for divorce against Cyril.
At the court hearing the judge is very surprised that this seemingly nice elderly couple are experiencing marital problems. So he turns to Rivkah and asks, "Why do you want a divorce?"
"Vell," replies Rivkah, "Mine husband is now not alvays very nice to me. And lately it has become unbearable."
"So can you give me an example please? " asks the judge.
"Yes I can, " replies Rivkah, "Ve both vear dentures and many times in the last six months, vhen I'm asleep at night, he steals mine to eat garlic."
The Urgent Call
An attorney telephoned the Governor's mansion just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him, regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the Governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the Governor.
"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The Governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me, if it's OK with the
undertaker."
The pain
Moshe was known to all his friends as a hypochondriac. One day he awoke with a pain on his left side and was convinced that his pain was appendicitis. But his wife Sadie told him that appendices were on the right side of the body.
"Aha," said Moshe, "so that's why it's hurting me so much. My appendix is obviously on the wrong side."
Morning Joy
Renee and Daniel have been married for over 50 years. One morning, they both awake from a good night's sleep. As usual, Daniel says "good morning dear".
"Don't talk to me," says Renee.
"Why not, my dear?" replies a shocked Daniel.
"Because," says Renee, "I'm dead."
"What on earth are you talking about?" says Daniel, "We're talking to one another. How can you be dead?"
"But I am, Daniel," says Renee, "I'm definitely dead. I'm sure of it."
"So what makes you think you're dead?" asks Daniel.
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
The Prayer
A rabbi was talking to precocious six-year-old Shlomy.
"So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That's very commendable. What does she actually say?"
Little Shlomy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
A shaky start
Aaron was soon to be married and was feeling very rough. He was so worried about the commitment he would have to make that he went to see his Rabbi. As Aaron walked in, Rabbi Bloom couldn't help noticing that he was shaking like a leaf.
"So what's with the shaking, Aaron?" asked Rabbi Bloom.
"I can't go through with my marriage," he answered, "I feel so sick that my stomach is cramping up all the time. My legs are like rubber bands and I can hardly walk in a straight line. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, Rabbi."
Rabbi Bloom smiled, "Don't worry, Aaron, yours are common symptoms. I get to see them quite regularly. You've got PMS."
"I've got PMS?" said Aaron, puzzled.
"Yes," said Rabbi Bloom, "You've got a dose of Pre-Marriage Syndrome."
Customer service
Joshua worked for "Levine's Tailors" and was a successful salesman. He was always polite to his customers and as a result was nearly always able to sell a suit to anyone who walked into the shop. So it was a surprise when, after 10 successful years, he resigned to join the police force.
His father couldn't understand why his son should give up a good job to become a policeman. So at the end of Joshua's first week, he calls Joshua to ask how he liked his new job.
"Well dad," Joshua replied, "It's nice of you to ask. The salary is just about OK, the hours aren't as bad as I thought they would be and my colleagues are a great bunch. But what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
Following orders
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy are sitting in their local kosher deli and when the waitress comes over, ask for two glasses of water. When the water arrives, they take out homemade sandwiches from inside their coat pockets and start to eat.
Moshe the deli manager is not happy with what he sees. So he goes over to them and says, "Look, I'll give you both one of our snacks free of charge. My customers won't mind, seeing you are Rabbis. But please, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy look at each other with twinkles in their eyes. Without saying a word, they shrug their shoulders, exchange their homemade sandwiches and carry on eating.
A butcher joke
Shlomo walks into 'Harry Kosher Butchers', goes over to Harry and says, "So, Harry, I hear that you're something of a betting man."
"Yes," replies Harry.
"Well," says Shlomo, "You're a tall man, so I bet you $50 that you can't reach those pieces of meat hanging on those hooks up on that wall."
"I'm not taking your bet," says Harry.
"Why not?" says Shlomo, "I thought you were a betting man."
"I am," says Harry, "but the steaks are too high!"
How Much
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
Restless Sleep
Morris went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got real trouble. Every time I get into bed, I get his weird feeling that there's somebody under it. I look under the bed, to check it out, but then I think there's somebody on top of it. I go back and forth, all night long, on top, under, on top, under... You gotta help me, Doc, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for few years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll think about it," said Morris.
Six months later the doctor met Morris on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? My teenage son cured me for free."
"Is that so! How did he do that?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
A round excuse
Benjy the dentist was also a golf fanatic and would often take time off work for a round of golf. One day, he told his secretary to cancel all his appointments. She was also to leave the following voice mail message on his phone: -
'Dr Benjamin is fully occupied today as he needs to fill 18 cavities. Please call tomorrow for an appointment. Thank you.'
Man versus machine
On his way to work one morning, Nathan arrives at Penn station a bit early. While he's waiting for his train, he notices a new machine on the platform - the sign on it says it's a state-of-the-art talking weighing machine. So Nathan stands on it, puts in a $1 bill and the machine says, "You weigh 160 pounds and you are Jewish."
Nathan can't believe what he's just heard. So he gets on it again and inserts another $1 bill. "You weigh 160 pounds, you are Jewish and you're waiting for the 7:35am train to take you to your job at the Bank."
He is totally shocked, but he's determined to beat the machine. He goes into the mens room, ruffles up his hair, puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, removes his tie, takes off his jacket and drapes it over his arm, and puts a first aid plaster on his chin. He then goes back outside, steps on the machine and puts in another $1. The machine instantly says, "You're still Jewish and weigh 160 pounds. You're also a shlimazel, you just missed your train."
Career mapping
Abe and his young son Sam are in synagogue one shabbos morning when Sam says, "When I grow up, dad, I want to be a Rabbi."
"That's OK with me, Sam, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," says Sam, "as I have to go to shul on shabbos anyway, I figure it will be more fun to stand up and shout than to sit down and listen."
It's a bit fishy
Isaac has just had a beautiful swimming pool built in his back yard. But his joy is short lived when a inspector knocks on his door and asks to see the pool.
"Mr. Levy," says the inspector, "we've checked our records and we can't find any evidence that you obtained council approval to build this pool. Is this correct?"
"Yes," answers Isaac, "but I didn't know I needed permission to build in my own back yard. Is permission really required?"
"Oh yes," replies the inspector, "indeed it's required. A swimming pool must get a permit before it's built. Only if it were an ornamental fish pond, say, would permission not be necessary."
"OK," says Isaac, "what you see in front of you is really an ornamental pond."
"I'm not stupid," says the inspector, "a 40metre long pool such as yours cannot be described as a pond, Mr. Levy."
"But it is a pond," argues Isaac, "indeed it is."
Then the inspector spots a filtration unit at the end of the yard. "So why is there a filter?"
"Because," replies Isaac, "it's a gefilte fish pond."
Back to front
Harry is very upset indeed when he calls the police on his cell phone. He cries, "Help me please. My car's been broken into. The thief has stolen the CD player, the steering wheel, the gearshift lever and the pedals. Oy vay, what will I do?"
The dispatcher says to her, "Stay calm, I'll ask a police officer to get to you as quickly as possible."
Ten minutes later, the police control centre gets the following message from the police officer, "Please disregard the distress call. The fellow got in the back-seat of his car by mistake."
A trip to the bakery
"How much are the bagels?"
"$1 for two."
"How much for one?"
".60c"
"Then I'll take the other one."
The doctor's bill
Morris the tailor is worried because his wife Hetty is very ill and needs a good doctor. Everyone knows that Dr Myers is the best doctor in town, so Morris calls him to say that he would like him to treat Hetty.
Dr Myers says, "OK, but can you afford me? What if I'm unable to save Hetty and you decide not to pay my bills?"
Morris replies, "I promise to pay you, no matter whether you cure Hetty or kill her."
So Dr Myers agrees to treat Hetty. Unfortunately, Hetty dies soon after. When Dr Myers invoice arrives, Morris refuses to pay, despite his promise. After much arguing, they agree to take the issue to their Rabbi for a decision.
Dr Myers puts his side of the story to the Rabbi. "He promised to pay me, 'no matter whether I cured his wife or killed her.'"
After a few minutes deliberation, the Rabbi says, "So did you cure her?"
Dr Myers has to reply, "No."
The Rabbi then asks, "So did you kill her?"
"No, I certainly did not," replied Dr Myers.
"In that case," says the Rabbi, "Morris owes you nothing - you fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you agreed that your fee should be paid."
Good news and bad
Leah phones her husband at work, "Issy, do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Leah says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time," says Issy, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
The storm
One evening, as Ruth was tucking her son Sam into bed, a flash of lightening lit up the room and a loud clap of thunder soon followed. She hoped Sam wouldn't react to the storm and was about to turn off the light when Sam asked, in a frightened voice, "Mummy, can you sleep with me tonight?"
Ruth smiled and gave Sam a big comforting hug. "I can't bubbeleh," she said, "I have to sleep in daddy's room."
After a few seconds of silence, Sam said, in a shaky voice, "The big sissy."
Jacob from Russia had just completed a training course titled, 'Improve your English' and was taking an oral exam. The examiner asked him to spell "cultivate." Jacob spelled it correctly.
Then the examiner asked Jacob to use the word 'cultivate' in a sentence.
Jacob thought about it for a while, then replied, "Last vinter, on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for de bus but it vas too cultivate so I took an underground train home."
The War
The President of Iran was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. President," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Moshe from a small town in Israel. I am ringing to inform you that our morning minyan is officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Moshe," the President replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Moshe after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Shlomy, my next door neighbor Yossi, and the entire 6:00 am morning minyan — that makes 18!"
The President sighed. "I must tell you Moshe that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Oy vay!", said Moshe, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Moshe rang back. "Al Right Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Moshe?" The President asked.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and yankel's tractor from the farm."
Once more the President sighed. "I must tell you, Moshe, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Moshe "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Moshe rang again the next day. "Hello Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Shimon's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the 8:00 am Minyan has
joined us as well!"
The President was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Moshe that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oo lah lah!", said Moshe, "I'll have to ring you back. "Sure enough, Moshe called again the next day. "Mr. President, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said the President. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Moshe "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."
Business failure
Benny was talking to his best friend Harry. "You know Harry, I can't understand why you failed in business. You had such good ideas."
"Too much advertising was the main reason for my failure," replied Harry.
"But I can't remember you spending a penny on advertising all your life," said Benny.
"You're correct there," said Harry, "but all my competitors did."
The interview
Harry went for a job interview. It seemed to go well because before he left, he was told, "We would like you to work for us. We'll give you $10 an hour starting today and in three months time we'll increase it to $15 an hour. So when would you like to start?"
Harry replies, "In about 3 months from now."
